Topic: My Desire To Be An Online Sex Icon!

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Kristal Candeo

Member

I have a serious confession you guys: I have always wanted to be a sex icon/model online. In fact, I used to fantasize what it would be like if I was a voice actor just so that my characters could be used in R34 art online and people would think of my voice when looking at sexy comics with the character in it. The only reason I fantasizes about characters and not my real self though was because I actually used to be really, really overweight and hated my body that way so the voiced characters would have to do.

But now my body is so much more lovely (not to sound narcissistic or anything), and I still have this desire within me, and given recent events, I very much want to pursue it.

So since you all - the users of eSix - are not only the closest thing I have to real friends, but also the most mature and level-headed group of people I know when it comes to sexual stuff, I want to ask if there is an art site with the same type of community and maturity that I find here that I can post "questionable" or even "explicit" pictures of myself for the entertainment of those who view it.

I have actually been contemplating this for a while now and have often thought of using a mainstream art site, such as Deviant Art or Tumblr, to post my photos, but I don't really know how that would work as far as the regulations and laws go.

What I will be doing as far as my posts is truly for artistic purposes, and to get feed back from those who are more mature about the whole thing, but just as on eSix, we all know someone is going to fap to it.

Even so, I truly do not want to break any rules or laws so I would like some suggestions of mainstream sites that I could post sexy/suggestive images of myself to without fear of breaking regulation, or being bombarded by a site full of total creeps instead of users like the ones here who are more mature, level-headed and sensitive of the artistic side of things as well as the fact that, yes, some people are going to be masturbating to me, but know that this is not the sole point of the art itself.

The point is the pent-up self expression of my hidden feminine desires as a male through Photographic Media.

More Details of My New Body and Why I Desire to do This:

As I've aged and become more mature, I have begun to put forth a lot of effort to make my body as good-looking as possible. Not because I wanted to be sexy, but because I started hating more and more the fact my consciousness was trapped to a physical body, and a male one no less (because I actually wish I was female most times, but only from birth and not trans-gender) so I did my best to make the best of the situation as a whole.

But the thoughts and ideas behind that is an entirely different story for another day.

So my sudden desire to pursue this lifelong fantasy comes from this:
As some of you may know, I recently had to return to the place where I was raised to deal with an emergency situation that came up rather suddenly.

(Now when I had previously left there for good, I was 5'8" but 310 lbs and I had a relatively large frame. To say I was "overweight" would be a huge understatement. I was wearing 48 male pants in the waist and XXXL shirts and often wore lots of clothing even in the summer to cover up my fat.

But now I am 5'8" and only weigh 145. My body is very feminine now and I wear very small clothing and some times even have to resort to wearing shirts from 'teenage' brands (such as Aeropostale, and Abercrombie and Fitch, etc.) just to have something that tapers to my lower torso better.

Please excuse my language, but I must admit that I fucking love it!)

So when I actually showed up at the church to attend what I was there to attend, I was wearing a size Small Aeropostale shirt and some new size 30W jeans I had just bought (because I did not have any that fit and didn't want to look like a slouch) and the people that had known me before legitimately mistook me for a random wandering teenager. I was walking to where I was supposed to go and an older-aged friend of mine stopped me and said, "where do you think you're going, son? Ain't no fourteen year old young'uns allowed to wonder 'round back here."

It was then that I was both flattered and slightly taken aback. To think that someone I once knew mistook me for a random deviant teen. But at the same time, the complement of saying I looked so young.

So I reassured them that I was supposed to be there, did what I was there to do, and that was that.

In the days to followed, word had gotten around that "Delsin Rowe had returned", and that "he looks better than ever", which is not much of a surprise as that's totally normal conversation for someone as well-know as I had been in the community in the past, and would be said about any person who had lost such significant weight.

But the real shocker came when I inquired a local whom I trust most of all to keep me informed about the community about what had been said about me. The informant said that some people who were new to the area thought at first that I was some sort of locally-known clothing/fashion model because of my "impeccable complexion" and my "slimmed body shape", and "clothing of choice". (in reference to the fact that I had to wear teen apparel on my visit and only found one matching outfit. I truly can not stand to wear clothing that is not color coordinated, even if just to go to bed. Thanks, OCD!)

When I heard that, I knew that perhaps I could finally do what I had always desired to do, and be a feminine male model/sex icon online.

Of course that may seem like a huge leap of logic, but I think I should at least give it a shot now that I have the opportunity.

But before I delve too far down this rabbit hole, I just want a place to post a few initial picture ideas I have first just to get some feeback to see if I have what it takes.

So, any suggestions?

//Mature answers greatly appreciated. Thank you!//

Updated

Lance Armstrong

Janitor

I want to ask if there is an art site with the same type of community and maturity that I find here

The only thing that comes to mind is reddit.com/r/gonewild

The comments are more polite and jokey than on real porn sites.

Updated by anonymous

Kristal Candeo

Member

Lance_Armstrong said:
The only thing that comes to mind is reddit.com/r/gonewild

The comments are more polite and jokey than on real porn sites.

Okay. Thanks sincerely for the feedback, pal.

Updated by anonymous

Lance Armstrong

Janitor

Kristal_Candeo said:
Okay. Thanks sincerely for the feedback, pal.

Reading your extended section, there may be a different subreddit that prefers feminine males, but I don't know what it is. I'm sure someone here does.

Updated by anonymous

Lekkiyo

Member

Did not see that one coming.

Lance_Armstrong said:
Reading your extended section, there may be a different subreddit that prefers feminine males, but I don't know what it is. I'm sure someone here does.

Well, there's r/femboys.

Updated by anonymous

Kristal Candeo

Member

Knotty_Curls said:
first you stole my initials

now you've stolen my dream

I'm... sorry?

I'll give you a shout out on film I guess. I'll be sure to scream "OHH, KC!" When I pretend to cum on-camera with a dildo up my ass. ;p

Fenrick said:
Did not see that one coming.

Don't you mean "Cumming"? ;)

Okay, okay. I'll stop.

I tend to joke alot when I am nervous about how my sharing of deep, inner emotions may be perceived by others. It makes me feel better and gives me a sense of calmness about myself.

Yet this truly is a very serious matter, so I apologize.

Well, there's r/femboys.

Worth a look. Thanks, really.

Updated by anonymous

Knotty Curls

Former Staff

Kristal_Candeo said:
I'm... sorry?

I'll give you a shout out on film I guess. I'll be sure to scream "OHH, KC!" When I pretend to cum on-camera with a dildo up my ass. ;p

o

Updated by anonymous

Phylax

Member

"Self projects ‘otherness’ onto the feminine; the feminine is adopted to balance the masculine, in which those who take on feminine traits as libertines are capable of extremes in an active sexuality. Scholarly debate on the issue credited the impersonator with ‘a life of undreamed-of amorous exploits’, thereby achieving both ends of seeking the rejection of passion, and the other seeking extremes of passion."

Something interesting I read recently about Dream of the Red Chamber, sort of on the dichotomy you mention.

Updated by anonymous

Kristal Candeo

Member

Phylax said:
"Self projects ‘otherness’ onto the feminine; the feminine is adopted to balance the masculine, in which those who take on feminine traits as libertines are capable of extremes in an active sexuality. Scholarly debate on the issue credited the impersonator with ‘a life of undreamed-of amorous exploits’, thereby achieving both ends of seeking the rejection of passion, and the other seeking extremes of passion."

Something interesting I read recently about Dream of the Red Chamber, sort of on the dichotomy you mention.

I have said before that I very much dislike the thought of sex or sexual interactions. I think that this may very well be in-part because of the fact that culturally speaking one expects someone like me to take charge of a romantic relationship and to show a masculine form of prowess in the bedroom, when in reality I really don't want that at all.

I want to be the one who is taken care of, the one who finds security in my partner romantically, and the one who is entirely submissive in the bedroom to the whims of my lover.

Long Textwall of Further Details It May be Wise to Read:

I am very feminine in my private mannerisms and want to fully express it in any relationship I get to have, and I very much like being this way. But at the same time, it should be known that I am not gay either, which is the assumption most make of people like me.

Sure, I admit I like horsecock up my ass during playtime, but I don't like the thought of the masculinity behind it. In fact, whenever I do any sort of anal play, I always imagine a female, and most often a motherly figure as the partner experiencing it with me. A female who cares deeply and passionately about attending to my desires, and wants, and wishes to give me a true sense of pleasure in a way that shows such intense care and passion.

But never do I imagine masculine prowess, and definitely not from a male.

And yes, in the privacy of my own home I do perfer wearing panties and skirts instead of the boxers and baggy shorts or the jeans I wear in public, but I swear that doesn't mean I'm gay sexually, it just means I like being very feminine in my mannerisms when the occasion allows, which has no bearing on my sexual compass, nor should it.

And yes, I very much like keeping my enire body completely shaven, including my legs, crotch, chest, ass and armpits, but that doesn't make me gay either. I guess the best way to put it is that I just truthfully wish that I was born I female and that I could be a lesbian because I feel that such would be way more easier to explain than the way I am now. And no, I don't want to be a transgender because that would mean essentially having to give up the genuine aspects of my body sexually. If I was to ever be a female, I would want it to be real. I would want to be able to have kids, experience stimulation and actually be a female, but also retain my current interests and personality.

But the hard truth is I just simply can not do that, and I never will be able to either, so I guess I'm stuck being a male and living with what I feel on the inside without being able to fully express it properly on the outside. I want to be very feminine and accepted and loved because of it by a female, and not be considered gay by others simply because I am a male that acts that way instead of a female that does so.

But I guess what I really want is not actually to be physically female, but instead to I just be accepted and loved as the extreamly feminine way that I am as an anatomical male. But since I know that deep down that probably won't ever happen for me, I just tend to write it off as wanting to be a lesbian female because I feel like that would probably be way easier to explain to others is all.

In truth, it shouldn't even matter what I am, but rather who I am.

It shouldn't matter that I am anatomically a male, but rather that I want to be truly and deeply loved regardless for my feminine nature and mannerisms by a female regardless.

And I feel like I do know for a fact that I'm not gay as far as my sexuality, but given all of this I don't really know what I am or what to think. Heck, maybe I don't even like females as much as I think I do. After all, I've never actually had a sexual or romantic partner, neither a girlfriend or a boyfriend ever, nor have I ever really had a desire to have one either. So maybe I don't know what I want sexually and romantically other than the purest, deepest, truest unconditional love ever, and I feel like no else one will ever truly understand this about me on an intimate level or even go so far as to truly love me for it, so I feel that maybe the best thing for me to do is to record my sexually feminine mannerisms and take expressive pictures of it and share it all online with anyone who will watch it and enjoy it as art since I've secretly always wanted to anyway so that maybe I won't feel so bad about myself anymore in that aspect of my life.

So just because of my feminine nature I feel trapped between being perceived as gay by those who may know me closely enough for me to share my interests with them, or just ending up kind of having to shrug off any females' attempts to romance me in public, simply because of the fact that when I try to be a bit more friendly and funny and laid back in public, I feel that the females that try to garner my attention do not actually realize that I am not as masculine as they perhaps perceive me to be.

Sure, maybe I am very sexy and they want to claim me as a man that is such, but I cannot, and simply refuse to, build a personal relationship, especially with someone who wishes to date me, on a false perception of who I truly am, as it would not be fair to the person in question, and definitely not to me.

And the reasons I feel the way I do inside, the hidden expressions of my feminine nature are just some of the things I must mask on the inside of myself that I know I will never be able to fully articulate or even fully express over a quick public conversation, nor would I want to with someone I just met either, and especially not with a female of my own age-group.

Most only want a sense of security in the relationship that they seek with me, and it breaks my heart to know that I can not offer that to them in the way they desire. I absolutely hate turning down offers for dates with girls because I feel like I am hurting those who ask. And without a means to properly express why I have turned them down, rather than just looking like an insensitive doucebag by saying "I'm not interested", my heart hurts for them because they will never know just how sincerely sorry I am for rejecting their love in order to do them a service, rather than being able to show them that what they are falling in love with is not who I really am and that it would be unwise to love me without knowing what I hide on the inside first.

I do truly hate thinking about how they may perhaps see me as an asshole rather than as doing them a favor for their own sake, and my heart hurts for them more and more because of it, not for myself.

So I guess I do in a way wish to use the above mentioned form of web media as a sort of artistic portrayal type of outlet, the purpose of which is for me to experience a higher level of mental relief by showing the world these inward frustrations that I am fighting, while at the same time doing it in a highly erotic way that everyone who views it can appreciate, regardless of if they recognize the artistic and therapeutic intend of it for myself, or they just need a sexy guy to fap to that can recognize that need and fulfill it in a way that creates a certain level of mental relieve for both parties, even if that relief is not entirely the same for both parties.

I feel like I'll never be able to truly express myself sexually or romantically in the way I wish to with another individual, so I instead have this yearning desire to record my private and sexual mannerisms, either through photography or videography, and throw it out onto the internet for anyone and everyone to enjoy at their leisure. Not only that but I also want to be able to get direct feedback from some others who take the motive behind the footage seriously enough help me feel better about my self-expression through it.

And I suppose that at least some smaller part of this desire to do so comes from my deeper desire to at least know that someone out there loves that part of me sexually, even if it's just some random person/people on the internet that don't really know or even care about the true intent of why I do it and probably never will, either.

And I guess in reality that would actually be way better and way less selfish of me to do than just keeping my body locked away from everyone for no one to be able enjoy and appreciate any aspect of it simply because of my own insecurities.

But the fact that I have truly always secretly wanted to do it doesn't really hurt either, huh?

*sigh*

I'm sorry for the long post. Obviously there's a lot on my mind, and I aplogize for dumping it all here. Props to you if you read it all, though.

I could kiss you if you took it all to heart and could give me further advice, if only I knew you IRL to do so. As a genuine gesture of thanks that is.

Updated by anonymous

Beeseverywhere

Member

OK, I'm not saying you're going to get a dick in your ass, but when you get a dick in your ass, just rememeber to say no homo, so it isn't gay.

Updated by anonymous

Kristal Candeo

Member

Beeseverywhere said:
OK, I'm not saying you're going to get a dick in your ass, but when you get a dick in your ass, just rememeber to say no homo, so it isn't gay.

Of course. But if I get widely known, I might have to get a big, hard dick ramming my ass relentlessly to sate the desire of my fans. Just like I might have suck off three guys at once just for show.

I mean... but no homo, though.

Updated by anonymous

Furrin Gok

Member

Kristal_Candeo said:
Of course. But if I get widely known, I might have to get a big, hard dick ramming my ass relentlessly to sate the desire of my fans. Just like I might have suck off three guys at once just for show.

I mean... but no homo, though.

Just don't let balls touch balls. That's totally homo.

Updated by anonymous

Kristal Candeo

Member

aurel said:
Now i have things to say.
1. http://www.meh.ro/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/meh.ro10194.jpg
2. KFC = Knotty fucking curls :D
3. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z7dMcL_K3n4&list=PLqhJ9CmQd8E-KWtiSXlb5zpRYmV39qdDD
Go and replace this poor guy? :D (or "there are people who would appreciate you... probably")
4. I have no idea what i just read. "I have a serious confession you guys: I have always wanted to be a sex icon/model online" ??why again?
Everything below seems completelly unrelated.
You arent trying to run from RL problems?
are you?
ARE YOUUUUU? :D
You are :/
5. "but also the most mature and level-headed group of people I know when it comes to sexual stuff"
no :)
*penis joke*
6. "So maybe I don't know what I want sexually and romantically other than the purest, deepest, truest unconditional love ever."
I remember reading about plans for a moon mission from late 19th century, made by some british guys. You topped that.
Come on, road to greatness is filled with bumps of failure.
7. Dating website with pegging on likes? :D

1- What?! I'm a Femboy and I'm Proud! And I'm not afraid to show it either. That's right, you heard me. I'll let it all show. ALL OF IT! ;)

3- Oh, okay. Yeah I should totally replace that guy. I mean, for those that would appreciate it of course. *^~^*

Speaking of YouTube:

I had often thought a while back about the idea of someone doing mature content YouTube videos where they do just whatever but in the most weird way possible: Cross-dressing let's plays, cross-dressing daily vlogs, pretty much the same thing everyone else on YouTube was doing but with their web cam on them in whatever girly/sexy outfit I happened to be wearing. Their would be nothing explicit about it at all, but the person would just be a cross dresser is all.

SPOILER ALERT: I would always picture myself as the one having the courage to do it, and possibly first, too.

I don't actually know if that kind of content would even be allowed however, so it was just an idea. Though, I would probably still do it if I knew for a fact that it was allowed. But like I said, I would be nothing sexual, just openly cross-dressing on camera is all.

*shrugs*

4-

The Short Answer:

I have always wanted to be a "star", and perhaps even famous online because I can act, sing and VO well, but yet I've never really been given the chance since I am too poor for proper equipment or to move to a place that I may get discovered.

(I can't even use my phone camera because 1)my phone is 4 years old, and the cameras don't work and 2)the quality of it is shitty anyway so it wouldn't matter even if it did work. And I can't do only vocal stuff like singing or voice acting because I can't afford a better mic. And the only reason I'm too poor to anything I need to get started is because I can't find a job IRL. I'm currently unemployed so I'm trying to keep from spending any unnessicary funds such as the ones I would use for a camera or a microphone and instead use it for food and shelter only.)

And one of the aspects of being famous that I surprisingly have always fantasized about is the fact that someone, somewhere out there will probably, most definitely find me sexy and masturbate to me. Plus, since I have always been so open-minded about porn as a form of entertainment in general, I have kind of always wanted to be in porn myself, but up until recently have been way too overweight and ugly to do it at all, much less with any sort of confidence.

Also, given the fact that I've always been too confused sexually/romantically to have a real relationship, and the recently made apparent sexiness that my body has somewhat suddenly been endowed with, I feel like maybe I should try doing some minor or even amateur stuff on my own and posting it somewhere for both actual, mature feedback and for the entertainment of those who like it just to try it since I actually have the chance to now, and it may actually help me to feel better about the confusion I have over my own sexuality.

BTW, I can't believe I fell for reading that "Are you?!" thing three times in a row. I laughed so hard at that.

The answer to that question, though: Maybe in a way.

5- oh, you. *hands on hips, shaking my head*

6- Thank you, thank you. I'll be here all week.

7- No thanks. I mean no offense, but I don't really like dating websites in general because of the general assumption that they either 1)only appeal to people of a certain belief system or race or interest set, or 2)are only generally used for "hook-ups" rather than real relationships.

Plus I'm not going to pay a site algorithm to find something in someone that I can't find on my own. Besides not really having the money to, I also truly feel like doing so would speak less of me as an individual, at least to me. And I need a self-confidence BOOST, not the opposite of that.

Also, I don't even know what I like sexually anyway, so I'm not going to trust a computer algorithm to find out what I want when I don't even know myself. And to me it's more about the loving relationship anyway, not the sex.

I would do without sex forever (already have for 22 years) if it meant I could have a person in my romantic life that would truly love me in the way that I so desire.

Fenrick said:
Well, there's r/femboys.

I've given that a look now and I must admit that I am considering it. But maybe I'll better get to know how the on-site interactions and features work first like I did here, though.

You know, just to "make sure the fit is right" for me.

(Innuendos for days).

Seriously though, I very much like being well-informed of, and somewhat familiar with, any online media and it's inner workings before actually using it.

Updated by anonymous

Kristal Candeo

Member

Illumiknotty said:
me too thanks

No real input either, huh? You are just going to watch me pour out my feelings and just sit there with nothing insightful to give back?

¯\_('-')_/¯

Okay then.

Updated by anonymous

Rusty_

Blocked

Kristal_Candeo said:
No real input either, huh? You are just going to watch me pour out my feelings and just sit there with nothing insightful to give back?

¯\_('-')_/¯

Okay then.

Idk fam, do what you want.

Post yourself on some boards on 4chan. As another suggestion.

Updated by anonymous

Kristal Candeo

Member

Flygon said:
We're just saying that the thread, in itself, is rather narmy .

You're on a forum where everyone's a cynic, is what I am saying.

So just becasue my verbiage is way too long to keep your attention and way too heartfelt for you to identify with it just essentially means nothing at all?

Great. My words being ignored is exactly what I wanted.

Be slow to anger Del, and at least try to weap not.

*sigh*

I just do not understand how a person or persons could be considered cynical (observing things from a point of view that sees everyone else as being somewhat selfish) while at the same being the very person or persons that cares nothing about the true feelings of others such as myself.

How can one see my words as selfish or for a faux purpose when one's expressed actions are those of a person that does not care about me or my genuine expression of emotions?

That seems like a very contradictory and somewhat close-minded way of thinking to me. But maybe that's just me.

Updated by anonymous

Rusty_

Blocked

idk bro maybe ur overthinking it a little. just relax and stop giving a fuck

helps me out alot

Updated by anonymous

Kristal Candeo

Member

Rustyy said:
idk bro maybe ur overthinking it a little. just relax and stop giving a fuck

helps me out alot

On That Note:

Such is the cause of humanity's inevitable demise: Nobody "gives a fuck".

I'm glad you are on board to see the world burn, and that I am alone in my efforts to save it from it's own destructive nature.

From what I have seen, most Humans only seem to want to take and to have more and more to themselves but are at the same time very unwilling to sacrifice what is theirs to better the world around them as a whole. And often those who have the power to stop this from destroying the world in it's entirety "don't give a fuck" enough to do so, and bandwagoning that meantality is just as harmful to other humans as the greed of the rest of the world is to the world as a whole, and one may not give much thought to this fact or be able to perceive who it directly affects simply because they "don't give a fuck".

And if that is not selfish, I don't know what is.

But for now I urge that this forum gets back track to it's original topic, so I thank you for the earlier suggestion, pal.

EDIT:

*sigh*

You know, I've actually been making myself very sad as well as very anxious continuously thinking about what negative things everyone may think about me now because of the insight I have shared here from the depths of my own heart, and have been doing so ever since I first shared it.

Due to this I didn't even want to get up today and I actually didn't really have a reason to either, other than to check my email and eSix DMail in the case that someone had messaged me, and to check this forum for any further replies.

So, ever since I checked this forum earlier today and seeing your responses and the words within, while at first I was quite defensive, I have now taken what you have said more to heart and you have effectively shown me that perhaps you are right, and that no one actually does "give a fuck" about me or how lonely and abandoned and confused and without direction I truly feel about my life or any particular aspect of it on the inside.

So now, given this new information as well as my current onset of depression and anxiety, I think it would truly be best for everyone if I just went back to bed and did not get up again for a long while. And even if I don't actually go to sleep, I'll just use that time to continue to lie there think about what has been said about me here instead of actually doing anything else.

Besides, it's not like I really have anything else to do anyway so I may as well, right? And since no one really cares anyway no one will even read this either, and if they do they won't even care anyway, so it's not like saying this will invoke anyone to miss me or care about me regardless, nor will they ever. (Not that such is the point of what have said at all, but still.)

Of course to be fair, such is my life in a nutshell anyway, so what does it really even matter?

Anyway, I got my requested answers and given the insight that has been generously provided to me by everyone here I have decided against pursuing this life-long desire. After all, how can I expect anyone else to appreciate my body or respect my desire to express myself through it when I can't even learn to do either of those things myself?

To put the answer simply: I can't.

Regardless, thanks again for your input, everyone. Take care!

Updated by anonymous

null0010

Member

e621 is not the kind of place to share this kind of personal feeling man

the only things people care about here are masturbating and obsessive nerdlord cataloging

this kind of thing is best discussed with a professional therapist or close personal friend, not an open forum of socially-stunted weirdos

best of luck

Kristal_Candeo said:
no one actually does "give a fuck" about me or how lonely and abandoned and confused and without direction I truly feel about my life or any particular aspect of it on the inside

and knock this kind of thing off man

as in stop constantly looking for ways to justify your self loathing

if you are only searching for negative ideas about yourself that is all you will find

for what it's worth i care about you

Updated by anonymous

Jugofthat

Member

Just wanted to let you know I actually read all of your combined posts, quite lengthy though it was, and I admire how you've managed to turn your life around with regard to your body. Good on you, must've been hard! (I didn't even know you could go from seriously overweight to appealingly slim in an even girlish way, since losing a ton of weight in a relatively short time tends to leave people with a bunch of excess skin that's the opposite of appealing.)

It's... it's just that I'm not really sure how to even respond to this massive info dump, and it doesn't seem unfathomable that this could've been likewise for others. :P

Well, other than that I can say there's nothing inherently wrong about the concept of enjoying the idea that random strangers go nuts over you. The appeal is pretty easy to see, it's not that exotic. Could you actually eventually be some kind of online (solo) porn celebrity though? I have no freaking clue! Lots of people try. But, you know, if you've got the confidence, just test the waters over on Reddit (or XTube... mostly just mindless fappers and creeps there, nothing 'artistic', but hey) and see where that takes you. Cause why not. And maybe drop a link here plz :3

Oh, btw, there actually are females out there who don't mind a feminine guy, so not all hope for a straight relationship's lost or anything. Honestly. Though I suppose you'll only really be able to find the right ones when you don't outwardly mask your true personality like you apparently do now, if I understood you correctly there. But maybe that's easy for me to say.

Updated by anonymous

Kristal Candeo

Member

null0010 said:
e621 is not the kind of place to share this kind of personal feeling man

the only things people care about here are masturbating and obsessive nerdlord cataloging

this kind of thing is best discussed with a professional therapist or close personal friend, not an open forum of socially-stunted weirdos

best of luck

Well some users such as @JugofThat seem to contradict that statement.

and knock this kind of thing off man

as in stop constantly looking for ways to justify your self loathing

Calling myself things like "stupid" or saying "nobody cares about me" isn't exactly what I would call "justifying my self-loathing". Nothing about any of that makes my feelings justified at all, because to your point there really is no excuse for it. Instead, it's actually what I would call "basic observation" from my point of view. As in, I am just stating facts.

I'd probably feel the same way even if someone did say they cared about me.

Allow me to demonstrate:

for what it's worth i care about you

...
...
...Yep! I still feel like the garbage that I totally am, and it's definitely not justified at all.

if you are only searching for negative ideas about yourself that is all you will find

For what it's worth, you're right.

Jugofthat said:
Just wanted to let you know I actually read all of your combined posts, quite lengthy though it was, and I admire how you've managed to turn your life around with regard to your body. Good on you, must've been hard! (I didn't even know you could go from seriously overweight to appealingly slim in an even girlish way, since losing a ton of weight in a relatively short time tends to leave people with a bunch of excess skin that's the opposite of appealing.)

Thank you, kindly.

It's... it's just that I'm not really sure how to even respond to this massive info dump, and it doesn't seem unfathomable that this could've been likewise for others. :P

Well, other than that I can say there's nothing inherently wrong about the concept of enjoying the idea that random strangers go nuts over you. The appeal is pretty easy to see, it's not that exotic. Could you actually eventually be some kind of online (solo) porn celebrity though? I have no freaking clue! Lots of people try. But, you know, if you've got the confidence, just test the waters over on Reddit (or XTube... mostly just mindless fappers and creeps there, nothing 'artistic', but hey) and see where that takes you. Cause why not. And maybe drop a link here plz :3

I just love how you said I want people to "go nuts" over me. It's almost like you intentionally said it as an innuendo of some sort. I'm not sure that's actually how you meant that bit of verbiage, but regardless, I still laughed at that when I read it.

Thanks for the advice, though.

Oh, btw, there actually are females out there who don't mind a feminine guy, so not all hope for a straight relationship's lost or anything. Honestly. Though I suppose you'll only really be able to find the right ones when you don't outwardly mask your true personality like you apparently do now, if I understood you correctly there. But maybe that's easy for me to say.

I'm sure you are right about the fact that there are females out there that like feminine guys, but it's not like I'll ever find them.

Some Basic Psychology:

Psychologically speaking, on a subconscious level most females only want a sense of security in their relationships, even if they tend to say otherwise. This is the main reason why most of the time "nice guys" end up getting "friend-zoned" rather than a date, and most of the girls that those guys seek after always seem to prefer what the guy perceives as total ducebags or jocks, even when those kinds of relationships end up being somewhat hurtful towards them, hence why they then need someone in the friend-zone (someone they can trust to be sensitive rather than assertive) to be there for them to more quickly recover.

Usually females do subconsciously like men to be very assertive/decisive about what they want in a relationship, but again to your point, not always.

And to be fair, I do tend to hide my real self outwardly in the event that I am around other people, which actually isn't often anymore since I legitimately don't ever leave my house at all. In fact, when attending that emergency situation I mentioned earlier, that was actually the first time I had actually left the inside of my house in about 5 consecutive months.

But even if I went out everyday to -wherever it is that people usually go when they are in public- , I would still hide my true self like I did during the entire week of the previously mentioned emergency situation. I feel like I truly have no choice so that's just what I do. And to your point, that pretty much entirely negates my chances of forming a real relationship with anyone at all, both in the romantic sense and just in general public interactions and friend-making too.

Of course, like I said before, I'm so confused about what I want, both in life in general and in an intimate relationship, that I'm not even sure I actually want a romantic or sexual partner anyway.

Sexually and Romantically Speaking:

As I've said many times before, I have never had a girlfriend or boyfriend before, and I never have actually wanted one either.

I have thought that maybe I am asexual, but I don't think I'm asexual either because while I very much dislike the thought of having sex with another person, regardless of their gender, I do still masturbate sometimes for health reasons and I definitely do notice that I have certain prominent sexual desires when doing so, but I just would feel comfortable sharing them with another person, regardless of if that person is male or female.

I could possibly be demisexual, but it's kind of hard to find out when I don't have any friends IRL. And even if I did have friends IRL, I don't think I'd ever want to have sex with them no matter how close we got to each other during our friendship. The reason is because I very much value a romantic relationship over a sexual one anyway, so the logic that I may become sexually attracted to someone after I grow close to them on a purely platonic level makes zero sense in that regard.

So since I don't really know what I actually want in a relationship, I can't begin to peruse it. All I really know is that I want a mutual, unfaltering feeling of passion and love, and with that, someone who takes care of me and protects me, and makes me feel like I have nothing to worry about and clams me when I do worry, perhaps even in the sense that one might imagine an idealistic mother would to her own child, but explaining it like that makes me 1)feel weird and 2)realize that such is never going to happen anyway, because that is not actually the role that a romantic partner is supposed to fill anyway.

I have noticed in public before that when I see a couple, and especially one of a relatively younger age, acting so genuinely lovingly towards each other, especially at a restaurant or whatever, I start to deeply hurt inside and prolonged observation actually prompts me to literally start crying. I don't actually know why this happens exactly, but if I had to guess I would say that it's probably most likely because I see something in those interactions that I really, deeply want and desire myself but I also know that I will never truly be able to have it or even be able to experience it, even if just at the same minor level as I am observing it at that time.

It should be noted that I've actually had to leave certain places prematurely just because I started crying due to this very thing.

As far as Life In General Goes:

At this point, I legitimately don't even have a reason to get out of bed anymore, much less do anything productive with my life. I don't really know what I actually want to do with my life, nor do I have any idea what I am "supposed" to do with it either, so as I have said, I can't very well pursue something if I don't first know what to pursue.

On a Slightly Religious Side Note:

I still continue to pray to [my chosen deity of worship], and in fact, I do so now more than ever, but the more I pray the more I am convinced that either 1) [my chosen deity of worship] doesn't actually exist, or 2) he actually does exist, but me and my prayers way too unimportant/insignificant for him to care anything about, much less paying attention to or answering. And yet despite this, I continue to pray for some stupid reason.

I guess I just can't take a hint, huh?

All I really want is to somehow be able to gain enough power and influence to make the world a better place for others to forever be happy in, even if I have to be hurt or literally sacrifice myself to do it. I don't want money or respect or anything else except to know that my actions make the world a better place and that people no longer have to hurt in the world anymore.

Whenever I see people hurting, wish I had some kind of magic healing powers to alleviate that pain permanently. I hate being a human because it sucks knowing that I can see the world and know that people are hurting but I don't have any sort of magic or superpower or something to do anything about it. I hate seeing people hurting, whether physically or mentally or both, and especially with no hope of recovery, and knowing that I have no magic or superpower to make it better.

I truly wish that I could just reach out and touch people and heal them, or even just speak a word and cause healing through it.

But sadly, I am no god/God, and it makes me angry at times that [my chosen deity of worship] 1) let's stuff like that happen in the first place, and 2) refuses to grant me the power to make it better when I call upon his name, even when I spend nights upon nights at a time just begging and literally wearing and crying out for such power to be granted to me because of the hurt I see in the world and my genuine desire to fix it. I sometimes even end up crying myself to sleep while reflecting on the hurt I see in the world as a whole, and knowing that I am powerless to change it for the better of all.

I just wish I could make a positive difference in the world, especially to those who hurt the most due to certain irreversible or terminal ailments such as paralysis or cancer, even if that pain is only second-hand, such as that of family members or close friends of those directly afflicted.

I do genuinely wish that I had some sort of superpowers or magic to make it better, but as a human I don't and also never will. I have at times even tried to do the healing sometimes referred to as "the laying of hands" (where religious groups lay their hands on afflicted people and those people are miraculously healed) just to see if I could. Sure I looked stupid doing it, but I felt even stupider when time and time again it didn't work.

But I guess such things just seem like some kind of stupid fantasy anyway, so I guess I'm stupid for desiring to pursue them.

I do truly hate myself most of all for the fact that no matter what I do, I will never be able to make a positive difference in the world for others. And since I am worthless in my efforts to do that one thing I wish to do most of all, I feel that I have no real purpose in life in any other regard.

And honestly, I have nothing else worth living for anyway.

I don't have a job, and will probably never have one ever, I don't have a family or friends to care about IRL and also no one who cares about me IRL, nor do I have any desire to go out make friends either. I can't even afford to eat most times and even if I did, I don't really want to. I don't have any sort of social media to check because I have a personal disdain for all forms of social media so I don't have any accounts anyway. I don't have any common forms of entertainment like Netflix or any sort of TV because why would I waste money on something like that when I can't even afford food.

I literally have no other reason to get up out of my bed anymore other than to reply to people on this website, which I only get to access via a neighbor's wifi on my 6-year-old computer. Sometimes I do fill out job applications online, and I check back with the companies I apply to within a few weeks only to find out that I apparently suck too much as a human being to be able do any of the jobs I apply for, or at least according to the employers of any companies that I apply to.

Hell, I couldn't even get a volunteer position as an admin on this site, (I recently applied when the opportunity became available, but I was among the first people eliminated) so if the people who know me and my skills and what I am truly capable the best actually think I'm total garbage, then how am I supposed to expect employers who don't actually know anything about me other than what's on my resume and cover letter to think I'm worth anything? (Though to be clear, I hold no grudge to the admins here in that regard. They knew what were looking for in a admin, and I clearly wasn't it. I truly have no one else to blame for that other than myself so as they obviously already know, the decision that was made in that regard is totally for the best.)

If it were not for my continued interactions on this site, (eSix) I probably wouldn't actually get out of bed at all.

And after all, if I can't do something I am truly passionate about nor have any motivation to do anything at all, then what's the point of actually doing anything at all other than hoping that I go to sleep one day and I don't wake up ever again.

And since I am confused about what I am supposed to do as well as what I personally want to do in literally every aspect of my life as a whole, I am forced to just be stuck being indecisive and, in turn, doing nothing at all.

But alas, I digress.

Updated by anonymous

Kristal Candeo

Member

SnoopyDerpy said:
Does this forum post have a tl;dr?

tl;dr version:

I, Kristal Candeo, am a huge suck, and as such I am doomed to fail at literally anything I do or try to do or even desire to do forever and ever. This includes, but is not limited to, my expressed lifelong desire to be a public icon of some sort, and more specifically an online porn star. This is becuase even though IRL some may see my body as really sexy and feminine, pursueing such a desire for myself is only doomed to fail simply because I am such a huge suck, as I have stated previously.

The other users' responses here have ultimately only served to assure me that I am correct about these things, and as such, no body really cares what I do as long as they don't have to read, hear, or at all know about it.

Knowing these things, I have decided to just not do, nor even try to do, anything at all and I hope that by comitting myself and all of my efforts to this and nothing else the world as a whole can just be better off altogether.

Any questions? I hope not because in reality I'm probably way too stupid to actually be able to answer any of them if so. Sorry ahead of time, I guess.

Updated by anonymous

Furrin Gok

Member

I'm pretty sure what I got from the posts before I just said "Tl;dr screw it" on each one was the opposite of that, but okay.

Updated by anonymous

Kristal Candeo

Member

Furrin_Gok said:
I'm pretty sure what I got from the posts before I just said "Tl;dr screw it" on each one was the opposite of that, but okay.

Oh okay.

@SnoopDerpy

See, I'm way too stupid to even know what's actually going on here, and that probably speaks volumes considering I'm the dominant poster on this thread.

Or maybe it doesn't, since I'm obviously way too stupid to truly know if it acually does or not, or for anyone to even care if it does in the first place either.

Updated by anonymous

Rusty_

Blocked

Kristal_Candeo said:
tl;dr version:

I, Kristal Candeo, am a huge suck, and as such I am doomed to fail at literally anything I do or try to do or even desire to do forever and ever.

Now why would you say that.

This includes, but is not limited to, my exressed lifelong desire to be a public icon of some sort, and more specifically an online porn star. This is becuase even though IRL some may see my body as really sexy and feminine, pursueing such a desire for myself is only doomed to fail simply because I am such a huge suck, as I have stated previously.

You haven't even tried!

Oh I think I see the probelm....

I don't have a job, and will probably never have one ever, I don't have a family or friends to care about IRL and also no one who cares about me IRL, nor do I have any desire to go out make friends either. I can't even afford to eat most times and even if I did, I don't really want to. I don't have any sort of social media to check because I have a personal disdain for all forms of social media so I don't have any accounts anyway. I don't have any common forms of entertainment like Netflix or any sort of TV because why would I waste money on something like that when I can't even afford food.

Jeez you almost sound like me.
You need a job, any job. Being productive helps anone mental state. Plus money is always a bonus. Go to your local workforce exhange or employment center. They can help with finding employment. Otherwise put those apps out like mad.

You don't need friends, you need a hobby.
Anything to get your interest. How about drawing.

Live to make yourself happy. Nothing else, You dont friends or family. Hope I'm making sense or atleast helping. I'm posting while on the toliet right now so yea.

Pm me if you want and I can try to explain better when I'm not on my phone

Updated by anonymous

Dragonlayer

Member

you went from 310 - 145 and apparently have a feminine figure? wat

Updated by anonymous

Kristal Candeo

Member

Rustyy said:
Now why would you say that.

This includes, but is not limited to, my exressed lifelong desire to be a public icon of some sort, and more specifically an online porn star. This is becuase even though IRL some may see my body as really sexy and feminine, pursueing such a desire for myself is only doomed to fail simply because I am such a huge suck, as I have stated previously.

You haven't even tried!

There is no use for me to try if the percent chance of failing is 100%.

-If I fail outright from the beginning, my failure only serves to confirm what I already know, which is that I will never be able to do anything I try to do correctly.

-If I initially succeed in whatever I try to do, the uplifting emotions I receive from that initial glimmer of hope will 1) cause me to eventually falter due to my own overconfidence, and 2) make my eventual failure even harder for me to deal with emotionally than it perhaps would have been if I had just failed outright from the beginning.

Oh I think I see the probelm....

I don't have a job, and will probably never have one ever, I don't have a family or friends to care about IRL and also no one who cares about me IRL, nor do I have any desire to go out make friends either. I can't even afford to eat most times and even if I did, I don't really want to. I don't have any sort of social media to check because I have a personal disdain for all forms of social media so I don't have any accounts anyway. I don't have any common forms of entertainment like Netflix or any sort of TV because why would I waste money on something like that when I can't even afford food.

Jeez you almost sound like me.
You need a job, any job. Being productive helps anone mental state. Plus money is always a bonus. Go to your local workforce exhange or employment center. They can help with finding employment. Otherwise put those apps out like mad.

Gee, thanks Rustyy for such wonderful, insightful news. I'm glad to know that the obvious answer to all of my problems is just for me to start being productive and getting a job. WOW! Who'd have thought, huh? I'll just get up out of bed now and go fill out all the job applications I can and hope for the best. YAY!

Oh, Gee. It's almost as if I haven't literally already done those exact things so much over the past couple of years that the entire reason I'm not doing it right now and am instead lying in the bed hoping to go to sleep and not wake up is because not matter how much I try to get a job I can't and so I have just completely given up at this point. Silly me.

And aside from the harsh sarcasm, speaking of "my local work force", my feeling so towards that is this: If I can't get a job, or even a volunteer position on my own via my own extensive efforts, then how is "my local workforce" going to do that?

And it should be noted that I am fully aware of the fact that a "workforce" probably can find me a job better than I can, but then that in itself just begs the bigger question:

If I myself am truly incapable of doing somthing so simple as getting a job on my own and I have to rely on someone more knowledgable and better-equipped to do such a simple task for me, then what does that really say about me as a potential employee?

I mean, if I was an employer and I knew that an employee I was considering hiring was either too stupid or too poorly-equipped (or both) to handle such a simple task as getting a job on their own, I wouldn't dare hire said potential employee. If I knew that said potential employee is obviously too dumb and ill-equipped to handle such a simple task for themselves then how am I supposed to be able to entrust them with any sort of responsibility on the job-site?

To put the answer bluntly: That would be entirely stupid of me to do as an employer who is only seeking responsible, smart, and capable workers to do the job(s) that I need people to do.

And in the logical demonstration I provided, I essentially am the potential employee in question. So to the suggestion of getting a "local workforce" to help me get a job, I respectfully say: Fuck that. Logically speaking if I can't get a job on my own, then I obviously will never have a job because I am way too stupid and way too ill-equipped to ever get one at all.

It's simple logic, after all.

(Or maybe it's not, but how would know since I'm so stupid.)

You don't need friends, you need a hobby.
Anything to get your interest. How about drawing.

Oh pah-lees. Why would I ever waste my time and energy doing something like "drawing" when I can do the exact same thing just by continuing to lie in my bed and occasionally responding to people on this forum and eSix in general?

Live to make yourself happy. Nothing else, You dont {need?} friends or family. Hope I'm making sense or atleast helping. I'm posting while on the toliet right now so yea.

Puns Incoming:

I'm so glad that after your earlier silence, you finally decided to share your thoughts about what I should do while on the toilet.

I mean it actually makes total sense too. After all, some my say that me and everything I say is pure "shit", or perhaps that my entire situation is very "shitty".

But I guess that is my "pun"ishment for being total "crap" in the first place. ;)

*sigh*

Okay, okay. That's that's enough excitement for one day. I think it's time for me to go back to bed now since I only got up just now to reply to the users on this forum in the first place.

Thanks again, I guess.

Updated by anonymous

Dragonlayer

Member

reading this thread is really motivating me to get my shit together thanks OP

Updated by anonymous

Kristal Candeo

Member

aurel said:
.. and my favorite.. hes not and hes just trolling everyone :D

*gasp*

How did you know?

My plans to troll everyone on eSix have been foiled once again. Drat!

Dragonlayer said:
reading this thread is really motivating me to get my shit together thanks OP

You're truly welcome, Dragonlayer!

Updated by anonymous

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