Noticed there wasn't a topic about this, so I've made my own.

This is something that I often have to deal with on a daily basis, along with some other alignments. Not going to bother going into any vivid detail about how it affects me on a personal level, though, since a lot of people seem to be under the impression that you can just 'snap out of it'. Clinically diagnosed and I have a very colorful medical back record with medication and the like. Usually I'm very distant and secretive with people since I seem to have very little in common with most, even within smaller subgroups. This has led me to be alone all of the time with no one else to speak to since I can't connect with anyone, and funnily enough, even on the internet I have no one to speak nor go to.

Who else has depression out there? Would be nice to have a conservation about this.

I suffered with depression for about 6 years with varying severity. Lithium, zoloft ect worked but had side effects. I hid it very well and seemed to be an outgoing adventurous girl to most people but inside the weight of everything was killing me.

It ended suddenly when I started doing mushrooms. Everything became trivial. I left my job and became a hippy and hitch-hiked my way to a new city/life . The only side effect was I became insufferable to some people and I have a little synaesthesia at times.

I wish you all the best. People never understand depression till they've had it. Also there is no shame in being a secretive people. Some people are introverts and some are extroverts and don't allow your relationships to define how you think of yourself.

...I know me saying all of this is useless as people have said it to me before but I can't help but care.

Yes. I take medication for it. Been doing so for about 10 years.

It's something I keep to myself. Though I empathize with others in similar situations, I usually try to not talk with them, because it's already emotionally exhausting dealing with my own issues. Won't give you a conversation, but I can give you my own observations.

It's strange, I hear other people compliment me on how outwardly energetic I am, or my guitar ability, or somebody will express deep concern for my well-being, and I won't feel anything. It took years to accept that if everyone else sees these good qualities, then I suppose I must have them. Then I see the same thing happen to somebody similar, and they feel the same way, or worse, and I just want to wring their neck and say "Look at how fucking awesome you are!"

So it's something I'm aware of and try to change, which is why I'm actively seeing counselors, but it's still difficult just to do things. Some days are worse than others. I get help getting out of bed and eating properly, but it's still hard.

It's not something you can do alone. Please see counselors and other forms of support if possible, and don't think for a second that it isn't helping. It takes time to get anywhere.

Knotty_Curls said:
It's not something you can do alone. Please see counselors and other forms of support if possible, and don't think for a second that it isn't helping. It takes time to get anywhere.

I've been to 2 psychiatrists and a social worker, and truth be told, it is not helping me in the slightest. I do get the sense that they want what is best for me, but at the same time I realize that they talk to dozens of others, I'm nothing more but a number to them. Coupled with the fact that the groups that I went to within a clinic didn't work out at all, I'm slowly regressing to becoming more and more isolate. The only real reason why I'm in therapy was from an incident that got me hospitalized, it was then I got diagnosed. I'm really starting to think that I am beyond help at this point.

Aanyi said:
Who else has depression out there? Would be nice to have a conservation about this.

I used to. Maybe I still do and it's just dormant.

Not sure what to say. I didn't exactly take the most reasonable steps to alleviate it. Wish I had my own solid advice but other people have given useful input.

I will say this, though. Kind of tired, so sorry if this sounds stupid:

Aanyi said:
I'm really starting to think that I am beyond help at this point.

No one is beyond help. Sometimes, life just sucks. Sometimes, things get worse even when you do everything right. But it will not always be that way. Hang in there. You made an honest, determined effort to bring a positive change. That alone is something to be proud of and proof that you are not hopeless.

I have experienced it very often. (Other People here can vouch for that too). I understand depression and numerous other mental illnesses more than most, given that I both have a colorful mental Heath background, and that I studied psychology/anthropology myself extensively over the years. Pat first it was a way for me to recognize my problems myself and deal with them, but eventually it evolved into me spending my time using that acquired knowledge to help others get through depression and other mental illnesses better than I have.

That's also why I started studying biochemistry too. It was so that I could recognize how chemicals effect them body and how to treat any up imbalance in body chemistry if needed, whether that be brain chemistry or otherwise. Not just for myself, but for others.

I still struggle with things myself, mostly just when I start to think a lot about how unsuccessful I have been in my life given how much talent and knowledge I have and how many skills I have and how no matter what or how much I try, I seem to be a huge failure. I feel like no matter how much potential I actually have or my eagerness to pursue what want in life, no one sees me as anything more than a useless piece of garbage.

I truly want to be a model and a singer and an actor and just whatever kind if public icon I decide to use my talents and public charisma to be and I know I am more than fully cable of doing those things, but I have no opportunities or money to get a camera or microphone or whatever I need to start. So I am trying to get a job to begin with just to be able to afford food, but every where I apply must see me as pure garbage, so I am just stuck harboring all this potential that will never be used as I feel it should be. I feel like no one else sees my potential but, me even though that's not true at all. A lot of people tell me I should be a model or a singer especially, but all of that seems to not matter to me at all because even though they say it with sincerity, it doesn't change that fact that the opportunity for me to pursue those dreams is not available to me, and probably never will be no matter how much I want to pursue such an opportunity.

I tend to feel like no matter how many times people tell me I would be perfect for a modeling career or how many people tell me that I should go to Nashville or Hollywood to start a singing career, none of that matters unless their words are to be immediately followed by something pertaing to "I know a guy who could use your talents. Here's his number." Or "Heres my business card. Call me if you ever want to use your talents to... And We'll keep in touch." I feel like no ones words of praise really matter if those words are not that of someone who is also presenting that opportunity to pursue my dreams to me because of my talents.

For example: If I sing in public and someone randomly tells me that I am pretty good and that I should be singer, it doesn't mean anything unless that person is also a professional singer, such as Avi from pentatinix or somthing. To me their word sound like empty praise to make me feel good, rather than warranted praise because they actually know what good singing is, even if they do actually have a great ear for talent.

And all of that just makes me so sad, to know I'll never be anything in life as far as being any sort of entertainer as I truly desire and have the capabilities to, and that if I am given even just a low-paying job, at this point I'll be so thankful for such a small opportunity being afforded to me that I think I might be too afraid to give up that small sliver of hope in order to have the opportunity to pursue my real dreams of being an entertainer, and using my greatest talents in doing so. I am very disappointed in myself for not being who I want to be, even though I myself have done nothing wrong.

All in all, I feel stuck, trapped, scared and depressed because of these things. I just wish I had a small sliver of hope to cling onto. But I don't.

But after going over my circumstance in my head over and over, And then I see others who have it way worse off than me. People who are in the same boat as me, except if they were ever given a chance they would have no talent or potential to bank on to achieve their goals. Sure I may be in a bad place, but at least if someone ever gives me a chance I will be able to take it and run with it. If ever given the chance I could be someone that everyone wants to be. I could be something big if given the chance. But even though I don't have that chance, and probably never will, at least I have that going for me, whereas most others given the same chance may not have a bit of potential within them to rely on. Sure I have wasted talents, but at least I have talents.

So usually when I stop thinking about my own problems and am given the chance to focus on solving the problems of others, my problems seem not to even matter any more. Sue they are still there, but since I have the knowledge and power to help others with their problems, my time is way better spend helping others with their problems because I can, than focusing on the hole I feel like I am in which I have no power to change.

I'll put it this way: I feel like since I am stuck in the same dark hole as others in the world are with seemingly no way to climb out, at least I can be someone willing to boost others out of that hole, even if I know ahead of time that their arms are not long enough to pull me out with them. So instead of trying to use others as my own step ladder to try and free myself, I am willing to see that I'm not the only one wanting out of this dark hole and offer to be everyone else's step ladder.

Even if it means that after everyone else is out of that hole that I have been left even deeper in that darkness and that now I am there to suffer the pain alone, at least I can count the fact that everyone else is free from suffering the same torment as a blessing.

So for me focusing on solving the problems of everyone else instead of trying to solve my own and getting nowhere is kind if like a coping skill for me. I usually try bring others happiness in everything I do by just telling jokes, bringing a smile or two to everyone online, and at times I even offer a sit-down therapy session with others who need it because I have the knowledge to help them, even if only for the moment. To some it may just seem like I am a really chill guy, but the truth is that I understand pain more than most, and I just really don't want others to have to deal with it on the scale that I have. So I do what I can to make the lives of others better in everything I do.

As long as I spend time focusing on solving others' problems which I can help, and not focusing too much on my own problems which I know I cannot alleviate at all, then my depression is kept somewhat suppressed for a while. But once I spend up too much time alone, thinking about my own life and how I have so much talent, and yet no matter what I do nones gives me even the smallest chance to use it, I begin to enter a darkness so thick that even light itself seems to hide from it.

But that's not to say that even if I ever was given a chance to purse my dreams, that does not mean I'd stop helping people like I do now. In fact, quite the opposite. I feel like with the opportunity to have more power and influence in the world, the more I can bring light and happiness into the world as a whole. And I feel that being considered an important and talented person would only serve to speak much, MUCH greater volumes to all of those whom I reach out to offer help to on a personal level than it does now as a person nobody else really seems to give a crap about.

But that's just me. I'm not saying that my way of coping is the best, or even a good one for others to try at all. I'm just sharing what I have experienced (and still am experiencing) in my life and why I get depressed because of it as well as what helps me to cope with it is all. Perhaps it may help someone else here, or perhaps not. To each their own.

So if anyone needs me, I'll be around. If not, I wish everyone here the very best. And good on you if you read that text wall above.

I love you guys, so take care.

~KC

KC, you must not have any trouble meeting the word requirements on essays

Rustyy said:
KC, you must not have any trouble meeting the word requirements on essays

How did you know?

(I could write for days about literally anything, but typing takes too long. I've thought about writing books before, but "ain't nobody go time do dat.")

Qmannn said:
I wouldn't assume that by how much one writes. I could type essays about things I care deeply about, but struggle to come up with even a single sentence when forced to write about a subject I have no interest in.

You right, you right.

Sometime merely being "forced" to do it can make you struggle, even if you have a lot to say otherwise.

Kristal_Candeo said:
How did you know?

(I could write for days about literally anything, but typing takes too long. I've thought about writing books before, but "ain't nobody go time do dat.")

Instead of writing books, transcribe them. Grab a book and a notebook, and write down everything that the book says.
What purpose does transcription do? Well, if you're writing, not much aside from working your penmanship. I transcribed through typing, though, which improves GWPM and accuracy, and can be used for Braille.

I don't think I suffer from depression, but it's possible I just haven't noticed it? I suffer from anxiety and was prescribed zoloft for that (It combats depression AND anxiety, something people seem to not realize), but I wonder if the weight I feel in the situation is really anxiety, compared to the worry about how things can go wrong beforehand.

Furrin_Gok said:
Instead of writing books, transcribe them. Grab a book and a notebook, and write down everything that the book says.

Thanks for the idea.

As a sign of gratitude, >Have some 'Me'<

I don't have depression, but two of my siblings have it and two relatives (uncle and cousin) took their lives from it.
There's a history of mental illness in my family and I am pretty sure I have at least a few screws loose somewhere, but depression is not something I deal with personally. If anything I have the opposite. It takes a lot to stop my smile and I can laugh in the face of adversity. I realized this when someone I was close to died a couple years ago. The initial shock got me down for a bit, but after an hour I didn't feel sad anymore. Usually the lack of sadness is what bothers me, I feel guilty for not feeling bad. I dunno, I'm just a crazy person.

I used to be depressed back in my mid-teenage years, but then I did something and started doing that something for years. I still have times of sadness, because I am human, but I always stay positive, no matter how dark it gets.

i guess i could say that im depressed. mostly its nothing worse than just feeling kinda numb and low-key loathing myself 24/7 but because of my other mental issues, it sometimes gets really bad i end up hurting myself & planning suicide and so on but in day or two im p normal again. rinse and repeat, over and over again.

Do you suffer from depression?
Don't.

Probably. Lot less than I used to be. Decentralizing from myself, getting involved with others, and talking honestly about my ideas helps a lot.

For me and other people I've observed, I think depression's persistence largely comes from internalized resistance -- that it's easier to give up rather than assume that something you've been doing is fundamentally wrong and drastically change your approach, that you get attached to the view 'I can't change things here'. That's very wrong! Your view of yourself is invariably so much smaller than the reality of you, and the amount of changes anyone can make is immeasurable.

But only if you give up the comfortable idea that you know how the world works really. When you have the courage to change things, you are accepting that you actually don't know how the world works and need to experiment. Very scary but is actually moving forward.
Naturally, you need support with this (second opinions, discussion, reassurance).

All the time. Been like this since ever so I got used to it and because of that, it has become easy to hide. Heck, once I was at work and one co-worker asked me why am I always so cheerful and happy all the time and then she hugged me in hopes of rubbing some on her.

If only she knew that was fucking fake. I have to fake that shit so nobody looks at me like I'm some kind of attention seeker

CuteCoughDeath said:
I suffered with depression for about 6 years with varying severity. Lithium, zoloft ect worked but had side effects. I hid it very well and seemed to be an outgoing adventurous girl to most people but inside the weight of everything was killing me.

It ended suddenly when I started doing mushrooms. Everything became trivial. I left my job and became a hippy and hitch-hiked my way to a new city/life . The only side effect was I became insufferable to some people and I have a little synaesthesia at times.

I wish you all the best. People never understand depression till they've had it. Also there is no shame in being a secretive people. Some people are introverts and some are extroverts and don't allow your relationships to define how you think of yourself.

...I know me saying all of this is useless as people have said it to me before but I can't help but care.

Someone actually reported you for this. I can't stand the babies on this site sometimes.

Thank you for sharing. I hope that you are doing well.

The_Diggler said:
Someone actually reported you for this. I can't stand the babies on this site sometimes.

Thank you for sharing. I hope that you are doing well.

Reported for giving an account of taking drugs?
Wow.

Moon_Moon said:
Do you suffer from depression?
Don't.

Depression's not a jokeworthy topic, Moon.

The_Diggler said:
Someone actually reported you for this. I can't stand the babies on this site sometimes.

Thank you for sharing. I hope that you are doing well.

How would you even keep track of that? Pending reports don't show up on the reports list.

savageorange said:
For me and other people I've observed, I think depression's persistence largely comes from internalized resistance -- that it's easier to give up rather than assume that something you've been doing is fundamentally wrong and drastically change your approach, that you get attached to the view 'I can't change things here'. That's very wrong! Your view of yourself is invariably so much smaller than the reality of you, and the amount of changes anyone can make is immeasurable.

But what if having the idea of changing something caused you to be depressed? With the amount of absurdity that goes on in life unhinged, I doubt that really anyone has the power to change anything unless you have power and validation from others.

These are just a few of the things that end up going through my head, especially on weekends - where I can't even bother people online.

Furrin_Gok said:
Depression's not a jokeworthy topic, Moon.
How would you even keep track of that? Pending reports don't show up on the reports list.

what do you mean? I go to the report list and see them all the time.

Hey look on the bright side.
The best part about depression?

You always have your funeral planned in advanced

Rustyy said:
Hey look on the bright side.
The best part about depression?

You always have your funeral planned in advanced

Don't.

Aanyi said:
But what if having the idea of changing something caused you to be depressed?

Then you need to change how you're thinking about it; there's not 'one correct view' of a problem or situation, nor one 'correct view' of what needs to be done about it.

“The significant problems we have cannot be solved at the same level of thinking with which we created them.”

Like I said, there are a lot of possible changes. Most of them people never think of, either because a) doing X would, in their mind, be 'changing who they are', and they let the terror of that intimidate them, b) lack of information, c) lack of imagination.

In my experience, it is possible to change things in your life without significant support. To some extent, it's an absolute requirement, because even people who love and care about you have a certain amount of resistance to the idea of you changing, even in a good way.

What you need support for most IME, is making sure that the changes you want to make are sound.

EDIT:
TBH, in my experience, making a change is not what is hard; committing to actually making that change is what is hard. Your feelings are generally against it, and if you make the common mistake of listening to your feelings, you won't make the change.

Of course, if when you say 'you can make a change only with power and support', you're thinking of changing others, then you're probably deluded (generally, changing others? ain't gonna happen. Heads of state have plenty of power and support and they struggle with that stuff.)

savageorange said:
*thoughtful stuff*

(Wo)Man after me own mind, this one is.

savageorange said:
Of course, if when you say 'you can make a change only with power and support', you're thinking of changing others, then you're probably deluded)

Well, that was uncalled for.

I feel as through as maybe it would be best to not engage with the idea of changing myself for the benefit of not becoming vulnerable, as is with most encounters that I have come across. I don't feel as though as I'm being malicious when I say it's for the best that I have these thoughts, and if I did manage to change my personality for the sake of not being depressed, then that isn't solving it at all.

I always get the feeling that posts like these disregard and quantify the person's feelings as irrelevant or 'not enough to be depressed." There are external, untouchable reasons as to why some might be depressed, it isn't as simple as changing your attitude as you seem to imply.

Kristal:
Thanks :)

Aanyi said:
Well, that was uncalled for.

No, it wasn't. "The problem is with the world, not me" is so common an attitude that you can't talk to 3 random people without running into it.

If you're taking it personally, don't bother. I meant it generally (as in, if I heard that phrase from a random person on the street, I would assume they meant "making people do what they should, dammit")

I feel as through as maybe it would be best to not engage with the idea of changing myself for the benefit of not becoming vulnerable, as is with most encounters that I have come across. I don't feel as though as I'm being malicious when I say it's for the best that I have these thoughts, and if I did manage to change my personality for the sake of not being depressed, then that isn't solving it at all.

The common factor in your life circumstances is YOU. If you don't change, why would you think your life could change?

(in other words, this is in a very real sense the only kind of lasting change any person can make to their life. Everything else is accidents dropped on your doorstep by the chaos of the world)

I always get the feeling that posts like these disregard and quantify the person's feelings as irrelevant

Nah, they're relevant: they're a factor that has to be considered when you're changing things (for example, breaking things down into steps is a method of helping your feelings to reconcile with your goals). Like combatants on the battlefield of your life.

They're just not more important than the rational questions of what the situation is and what needs to be done to improve things for all concerned.

or 'not enough to be depressed."

If anything, my experiences with the many depressed people I've met (including me), lead me to think that their worry about their own feelings played a primary role in -perpetuating and worsening- their depression.
(ie. they got depressed for whatever initial reason. then they started worrying about their feelings, which mainly depressed them further......., which caused them to worry further...........)

There are external, untouchable reasons as to why some might be depressed, it isn't as simple as changing your attitude as you seem to imply.

For some specific people, this appears to be more or less true (this is what the term 'clinical depression' was invented for).

But is it helpful? And is it certain that it applies to the person in question?

Yeah. No stranger to depression, here. A lot more people have it than you'd think, some just aren't quite as social about it.

Even though I'm on a prescription, I can't help but occasionally think of how meaningless life seems. We're all gonna die anyway, right? Cliche as it sounds, it's true, and it's unfortunately been on my mind as of late. Can't get motivated to do anything 'cause of it. Sure, it's all about making the best of your one life, dying with no regrets, etcetera. Still doesn't really change my way of thinking, I find.

I suppose there is solace in thinking it's just a phase, or some such. A shred of positivity here and there can do some good.

Actinium-89 said:
I could kill myself at any time, and no one would notice for months.

Ergh, when somebody I keep an eye out for stops showing up for one day, I keep an eye on them. If a week goes by and they haven't returned, I send a message. A fortnight and I worry that death may very well have happened.

The_Diggler said:
what do you mean? I go to the report list and see them all the time.

Oh, you mean tickets. Took a bit of digging to figure out what you meant.

While I know they're different things I thought i'd share this. I was diagnosed with anxiety and took medication for about half a year, though I hated pills so much I just decided to deal with it myself. (I know depression is probably harder to deal with.) Now a days it's gone down from severe anxiety to just a mild paranoia.

I can't say for certain to what degree or severity I've been depressed during the periods of my life, nor if those unusual thoughts and behaviors even fit under the umbrella of depression or something else. I'm fairly confident, though, that I was depressed for a time after my father and I left our house with our stuff one night while my mother was away. I suppose I just couldn't process the meaningfulness of that action. We left because I finally, after years of her, gave in and gave up on finding any happier path. But what does that mean? What is the significance of that decision? What does it say about me? About her? I was not strong enough at the time to face the truths underlying the answers.

More importantly, beyond finding those answers lay the suffocating practical matter of how to get on with my life, how to rebound. I didn't know anything about that at the time, and now I only have a partial answer although I'm no longer depressed. So, as I say, "I checked out of life by retreating into my computer." I stopped giving a damn about giving a damn. For quite a while I devoted my daily energy toward inhabiting a certain game, and in that sense gaming was therapeutic because I was able to rebuild myself through it.

Of course, that sure as hell isn't the whole of it, but if that wasn't depression then what was it? A few realizations afterward, as I reasserted myself in the real world, have kept me mentally and emotionally self-sufficient, but I can't remember them all.

Kaizer99 said:
While I know they're different things I thought i'd share this. I was diagnosed with anxiety and took medication for about half a year, though I hated pills so much I just decided to deal with it myself. (I know depression is probably harder to deal with.) Now a days it's gone down from severe anxiety to just a mild paranoia.

Depression and anxiety go together often, especially severe anxiety. I'm a psychology major,ironically, and i have both, they're both hard to deal with, but my depression is worse than my anxiety. It probably depends on the person and their specific situation, too. I also have been given prescriptions and they make them somewhat bearable.

If you don't mind my asking, what did you hate about the pills? Bad side effects?

Cuddledump said:
Depression and anxiety go together often, especially severe anxiety. I'm a psychology major,ironically, and i have both, they're both hard to deal with, but my depression is worse than my anxiety. It probably depends on the person and their specific situation, too. I also have been given prescriptions and they make them somewhat bearable.

If you don't mind my asking, what did you hate about the pills? Bad side effects?

I just could never swallow them, I know it's kind of a stupid reason to not take pills but at least my anxiety problem died down on it's own. I've been led to believe I might also have my dads anger problems and my moms mood swings mashed together.

Been depressed for a couple of years now, only last year that it got more agraveted. Bullying and anxiety hasn't really help and at this point in time I only have 2 people I trust my life to and another 2 close friends. Often feel alone or broken. Been to a psychologist, but it only made it worse so I'm just taking depression medicine that really doesn't change anything

Kaizer99 said:

I just could never swallow them, I know it's kind of a stupid reason to not take pills but at least my anxiety problem died down on it's own. I've been led to believe I might also have my dads anger problems and my moms mood swings mashed together.

Oh, nah I know people with this same problem. It's possible but you could have learned the behavior from them but it's good to hear you're doing a bit better.

SkyWolf03 said:
Been depressed for a couple of years now, only last year that it got more agraveted. Bullying and anxiety hasn't really help and at this point in time I only have 2 people I trust my life to and another 2 close friends. Often feel alone or broken. Been to a psychologist, but it only made it worse so I'm just taking depression medicine that really doesn't change anything

I can identify with having trouble finding a support system or someone to relate to. What about therapy was making it worse? You could try someone else if you don't click with them, my last psychologist was nice but I felt no connection to her and made almost no improvement after 2 years so I'm going to look another.

Having an adequate support system for depression really could help in so many ways. But finding one that works is extremely difficult, especially if you're not social either. To be honest, I've felt as though as I've exhausted all of my resources looking for something akin to a friendship. I just feel so tired of having to speak to people only to get the same type of response over and over again.

Aanyi said:
Noticed there wasn't a topic about this, so I've made my own.

This is something that I often have to deal with on a daily basis, along with some other alignments. Not going to bother going into any vivid detail about how it affects me on a personal level, though, since a lot of people seem to be under the impression that you can just 'snap out of it'. Clinically diagnosed and I have a very colorful medical back record with medication and the like. Usually I'm very distant and secretive with people since I seem to have very little in common with most, even within smaller subgroups. This has led me to be alone all of the time with no one else to speak to since I can't connect with anyone, and funnily enough, even on the internet I have no one to speak nor go to.

Who else has depression out there? Would be nice to have a conservation about this.

Yeah, I occasionally suffer from depression. I was diagnosed with clinical depression when I was a teenager, though in all honesty I still don't believe the whole "chemical imbalance in the brain" thing that the doctors tried to tell me was the cause, and that's because I had a rather shitty childhood and highly psychologically abusive parents.

I was on medications for the depression for a few years, but it never really did anything for it. In fact, the first one I was on, Zoloft, actually made it worse. They put me on Celexa and later its stronger cousin Lexapro, and the results were, well, not really all that great.

I finally got my psychiatrist's approval to titrate off the meds in 2010, and for the last several years I've been off them, with relatively good results. For me, the main cause of my depression was not being able to grow up and be an adult. When you're 18 and the world around you wants you to take responsibility but your own parents won't let you because your narcissistic helicopter mother with delusions of grandeur still thinks you're a little toddler despite all evidence to the contrary, and your step-father is working you so damn hard in the field day in and day out that you can't get enough sleep and end up falling asleep in class during your Senior year of High School and almost failing because of it, you tend to feel like shit. And when doctors tell you that what your parents are doing to you isn't actually happening because they talked to your parents and they thought your parents are such nice people (and having apparently no clue as to what the term "two-faced" refers to), and then decide that you're crazy because you refuse to agree with their "learned" opinions, that takes "feeling like shit" to a whole new level.

And for the most part, my adult life was out of my own control until 2010, when I finally learned that there were options other than the ones I had originally pursued, so I was pretty heavily depressed throughout all those years.

Nowadays, I still sometimes get depressed, but it's nowhere near as bad now as it was back then, because I'm in control of my own life.

Please don't misunderstand me here. I'm not saying that my situation is universal or to stop taking your meds or any of that stuff. I've seen too many good people spiral out of control because they heeded some idiot TV preacher man who said meds were for the faithless or some other such bullshit. And the fact is that most such meds are actually highly addictive (the word "dependency" is used for legal prescription drugs rather than "addiction," but they mean the same thing), meaning that if you go off them cold turkey you're going to have a very bad time when the withdrawals hit. So please, don't take my post as some kind of medical advice. I'm not a doctor, and I sure as hell don't play one on TV.

Manasgael said:
Yeah, I occasionally suffer from depression. I was diagnosed with clinical depression when I was a teenager, though in all honesty I still don't believe the whole "chemical imbalance in the brain" thing that the doctors tried to tell me was the cause, and that's because I had a rather shitty childhood and highly psychologically abusive parents.

I was on medications for the depression for a few years, but it never really did anything for it. In fact, the first one I was on, Zoloft, actually made it worse. They put me on Celexa and later its stronger cousin Lexapro, and the results were, well, not really all that great.

I finally got my psychiatrist's approval to titrate off the meds in 2010, and for the last several years I've been off them, with relatively good results. For me, the main cause of my depression was not being able to grow up and be an adult. When you're 18 and the world around you wants you to take responsibility but your own parents won't let you because your narcissistic helicopter mother with delusions of grandeur still thinks you're a little toddler despite all evidence to the contrary, and your step-father is working you so damn hard in the field day in and day out that you can't get enough sleep and end up falling asleep in class during your Senior year of High School and almost failing because of it, you tend to feel like shit. And when doctors tell you that what your parents are doing to you isn't actually happening because they talked to your parents and they thought your parents are such nice people (and having apparently no clue as to what the term "two-faced" refers to), and then decide that you're crazy because you refuse to agree with their "learned" opinions, that takes "feeling like shit" to a whole new level.

And for the most part, my adult life was out of my own control until 2010, when I finally learned that there were options other than the ones I had originally pursued, so I was pretty heavily depressed throughout all those years.

Nowadays, I still sometimes get depressed, but it's nowhere near as bad now as it was back then, because I'm in control of my own life.

Please don't misunderstand me here. I'm not saying that my situation is universal or to stop taking your meds or any of that stuff. I've seen too many good people spiral out of control because they heeded some idiot TV preacher man who said meds were for the faithless or some other such bullshit. And the fact is that most such meds are actually highly addictive (the word "dependency" is used for legal prescription drugs rather than "addiction," but they mean the same thing), meaning that if you go off them cold turkey you're going to have a very bad time when the withdrawals hit. So please, don't take my post as some kind of medical advice. I'm not a doctor, and I sure as hell don't play one on TV.

This is scarily similar to mine at parts, from Zoloft being a nightmare to practically failing in school since I feel like garbage most of the time, to havingbnot so great situations with therapy. I'm doing poorly in college though, worse than high school, and I'm having similar problems in my adult life.

How did you get in control, did you leave home?

Cuddledump said:
This is scarily similar to mine at parts, from Zoloft being a nightmare to practically failing in school since I feel like garbage most of the time, to havingbnot so great situations with therapy. I'm doing poorly in college though, worse than high school, and I'm having similar problems in my adult life.

How did you get in control, did you leave home?

I did leave home, in 1993, but I didn't have full control of my life until mid-2010, because in the interim I had voluntarily entered the local public mental health system so I could get away from my parents' bad behavior and focus on life. I did get a low-income apartment, but as I quickly found out, public mental health has a deservedly bad reputation for being over-controlling and not really doing anything to help their patients. Basically they put you on drugs and talk down to you like you're a little kid, and any emotion you have at all, regardless of how normal that emotion may be or how legitimate the cause, is immediately a bad thing which prompts them to ask if you've been taking your meds. A terrible experience, and way too controlling.

In 2009 I went out on a limb and got one of those private Medicare plans, and the plan I got required that I see a psychiatrist in a plan hospital, which meant that I no longer could go to the public mental health organization's doctors. I actually was able to talk to the doctor about things beyond dosage and shit like that for the first time in 16 years. And at the same time that this was going on, I'd started reading up on alternative forms of treatment, some of which included this thing called "titration," which is a medication detoxification process where you gradually lower your doses of the medications you're on until you eventually are able to get off it completely with either a minimum of withdrawal symptoms, or no withdrawl symptoms at all. I obtained the psychiatrist's permission to do this, and in mid-May, 2010, I took my final dose.

Shortly before my final dose I decided I'd move when I was able to do so, and I made the arrangements after my final dose and showing the folks at the mental health system (they ran the apartment complex I was living in at the time) that I no longer needed their services, and I ended up leaving the area on good terms with them in late July, 2010. I consider the morning of July 26th, 2010, the day I moved out of the mental health run apartment complex, to be the day I first took the helm of my own life. I was 38 years old at the time.

Getting off the meds was a difficult task, and getting out of the mental health system was scary to me, because I'd been with them for such a long time, but looking back I'm glad that I made the decisions that I did. My life isn't all rainbows and butterflies by any stretch of the imagination, but when something goes wrong with, say, my finances or some other such shit, it's because *I* fucked it up, not because my parents or some mental health appointed party did it for me.

Hard to stay depressed when you're lifting. 1-2 hours every one or two days and I honestly feel like a new person

Dragonlayer said:
Hard to stay depressed when you're lifting. 1-2 hours every one or two days and I honestly feel like a new person

This is true. Doing physical activity—especially strenuous activity—releases chemicals that lift mood. It also gives a sense of accomplishment, takes up time in a positive way, and makes me feel alive. It's pretty nice, and I'm getting ripped at the same time :D

Dragonlayer said:
Hard to stay depressed when you're lifting. 1-2 hours every one or two days and I honestly feel like a new person

Exercise is commonly noted to be good for countering depression. I find running everyday (a brief sprint, not pounding your knees into jelly) good for motivation, personally.

savageorange said:
(a brief sprint, not pounding your knees into jelly)

But that just feels so rewarding

Fenrick said:
But that just feels so rewarding

I wouldn't argue with that, but it's also exhausting, which seems entirely counterproductive.

My depression used to be quite bad, to the point where every day, I would just be lethargic, demotivated and unfocused. Nothing interested me. Even food was a chore, and I love food.

Then, I took some psilocybin mushrooms and ayahuasca, which gave me a good chunk of my life back. I've still had to put effort into reshaping my life for the better, though. They're not a cure-all, but pretty powerful tools.

Aanyi said:
alignments

I didn't know depression was linear :P

@Aanyi
I heard cuddle therapy (we'll just say therapy as a metaphor) can help folks with depression sometimes. Tho I dont know which depressions it could do any good with.

TruckNutz said:
I didn't know depression was linear :P

@Aanyi
I heard cuddle therapy (we'll just say therapy as a metaphor) can help folks with depression sometimes. Tho I dont know which depressions it could do any good with.

That would probably help, but then again, I'd prefer to be cuddled by someone that I know and love intimately. Most people out there simply aren't interested in relationships like I am.

Aanyi said:
That would probably help, but then again, I'd prefer to be cuddled by someone that I know and love intimately. Most people out there simply aren't interested in relationships like I am.

Same. Maybe you are kind of like me.

For me, I don't really like the thought of sex at all, I'd just like someone who loves me and being able to cuddle, hug, kiss, and just be romantic towards. Someone to appreciate intimately. Now Sure, after sustaining a long relationship I won't mind sex and bedroom stuff, but that's not my "ultimate goal", you know?

I guess to put it in a different way, I'd rather have a "puppy love" with someone rather than the sexual, "Netflix and chill" stuff other 20-year-olds seem to want all the time. (I'm in my 20's so I'm comparing myself to my peers.) I don't want a "hookup", I want "love". And while I do want it from someone in an intimate manner, the word 'intimate' should not necessarily mean 'to have sex'.

It's very hard to explain really, but maybe you are like that too.

Kristal_Candeo said:

For me, I don't really like the thought of sex at all, I'd just like someone who loves me and being able to cuddle, hug, kiss, and just be romantic towards. Someone to appreciate intimately. Now sure, after sustaining a long relationship I won't mind sex and bedroom stuff, but that's not my "ultimate goal", you know?

This. Some days I crave it so bad it hurts.

Aeruginis said:
This. Some days I crave it so bad it hurts.

I hate talking about this. It took three attempts to type this out.
It's not someone else's problem, but if I don't type it out somewhere, it's just going to sit around forever.

Jesus this makes me feel sad. Like, I'd give all you guys hugs if I knew any of you personally. T.T

Aanyi said:
That would probably help, but then again, I'd prefer to be cuddled by someone that I know and love intimately. Most people out there simply aren't interested in relationships like I am.

I ship you two.

Actinium-89 said:

Some more I've thought about lately.

It occurs to me that I have strong nihilistic tendencies. It sometimes slips into a real nihilist modus vivendi.

You know when you try so hard to smile, looking for the bright spots of life? Reasons to be happy? Those are fun, up until those tendencies come up -- a lot of the time, I don't feel I deserve good things. Or anyone 'deserves' good things.

Most of my life has been spent thoroughly trying to ruin it.
It's not hard to see my hostility come up at the drop of a hat, mostly through trying to lash out at people just because.

I can become really joyless. Angry and saddened by the smallest stresses - oftentimes pushing relatively minuscule things to a breaking point. It's usually to provoke a reaction. I want to hurt people - or maybe it's so I can get people to feel like I do? Maybe I just want to vent on someone? I really can't say. I don't even know if I have a reason for it. It's not fair, not in the slightest, and I can't keep asking people to forgive me for doing it over and over again.

I lost my job, and I can't find another one. People are counting on me and I just keep letting them down.
I've lost so many friends, I've stopped keeping track.
I'm going to die alone someday. I hope it's quiet.

I hate talking about this. It took three attempts to type this out.
It's not someone else's problem, but if I don't type it out somewhere, it's just going to sit around forever.

It takes strength to admit that kind of thing. And I don't just mean admitting it to others. Coming to terms with something like that is not an easy thing to do at all.

Oracle_of_Pelor said:
Jesus this makes me feel sad. Like, I'd give all you guys hugs if I knew any of you personally. T.T

Me too, friend. Me too.

I wish we could all just group hug now. That'd be great.

I love you guys so much. All of you!

Fenrick said:
I ship you two.

Thanks, I really appreciate it. :)

Kristal_Candeo said:
Same. Maybe you are kind of like me.

For me, I don't really like the thought of sex at all, I'd just like someone who loves me and being able to cuddle, hug, kiss, and just be romantic towards. Someone to appreciate intimately. Now Sure, after sustaining a long relationship I won't mind sex and bedroom stuff, but that's not my "ultimate goal", you know?

I guess to put it in a different way, I'd rather have a "puppy love" with someone rather than the sexual, "Netflix and chill" stuff other 20-year-olds seem to want all the time. (I'm in my 20's so I'm comparing myself to my peers.) I don't want a "hookup", I want "love". And while I do want it from someone in an intimate manner, the word 'intimate' should not necessarily mean 'to have sex'.

It's very hard to explain really, but maybe you are like that too.

No, you've explained it very well. We both have the same type of relationship qualities that we're interested in.

I was always the type of person who takes things very seriously, and when it comes to relationships, it is something that I don't play around with. I've never really had the opportunity to have friends when I was growing up, nor did I have the change to have an actual significant other who is serious about love. When it comes to things like sex, I want it to be memorable, with actual feeling. I definitely don't want to have meaningless sex with a random stranger on craigslist, that doesn't fit my personality. Intimacy is, to me, something more than just love and sex.

And yes, hookups have pretty much replaced dating, thanks to impulsive teenagers and 20-somethings (well, at least in my area).

Actinium-89 said:

I hate talking about this. It took three attempts to type this out.
It's not someone else's problem, but if I don't type it out somewhere, it's just going to sit around forever.

I agree, it is very hard to talk about things like this, especially if you have the fear that people are going to judge you. This is partially why I stopped talking to people offline.

Aanyi said:
*stuff*

Oh, well thanks.

I don't usually do this, but since I have no real outlet, I minus well say it before it engulfs me.