North Korea confirms it has landed a man on the Sun

North Korea sends a 17-year-old man to the Sun, a journey that took just four hours

By: Anthony Garreffa | BREAKING STORY News | Posted: 1 hour, 3 mins ago

This just in: North Korea has landed a man on the Sun. 17-year-old Hung Il Gong started his journey at 3am this morning, travelling alone, to reach our nearest star, a journey that took him just 4 hours.

A North Korean central news anchorman said during a live broadcast: "We are very delighted to announce a successful mission to put a man on the sun. North Korea has beaten every other country in the world to the sun. Hung Il Gong is a hero and deserves a hero's welcome when he returns home later this evening".

Hung is expected back on Earth in just a few hours time, where he will be greeted by his uncle, and supreme leader: Kim Jong-un. Hung traveled in the cover of darkness, as it would protect him from the harsh, and extreme temperatures of the Sun. Hung will also be bringing back some sun spot samples for his uncle, which I'm sure he will show off to the world in a short amount of time.

The North Korean central news agency is calling the 18-hour mission the "greatest human achievement of our time" - and so they should, landing a man on the Sun, a trip that took 18 hours return, is quite the achievement, all things considered.

And a mass of metal and flesh lands back on Earth.

It is still greeted.

I dono if they fucked up the wording and it was supposed to be moon, and moon rock samples or...what XD roflmfao

I can't even use the 'I bet he went at night' line because THAT WAS THEIR REASONING.

Fuck this guy and his armful of sunspots.

That is one hot story.

:P

The also said they discovered a unicorn lair.

I'm not sure how people are still surprised when North Korea does shit like this.

I dunno, I call shenanigans, looks like fake news to me.

The glorious leader is most pleased with this development.

All shall bow to North Korea.

Halite said:
I dunno, I call shenanigans, looks like fake news to me.

Yep. It's from Waterford Whispers News. Which is kinda like The Onion, except not as good.

...sounds legit *thumbs up*

Lmao

So they are making a sequel to Capricorn One?

Did they use their Long Dong rocket?

Welp guys, we face udder annihilation, let's just pack it all up and surrender to True Korea...
They have unleashed the power packed taste of the sun.

'Upon his return from the sun, Hung Il Gong was publicly exectuted as a traitor to the Glorious People's Republic for leaving the country with state secrets.'

It's a sad point when it's hard to disbelieve the story involved because you know that's something the country could and would totally do.

Tunguska said:
It's a sad point when it's hard to disbelieve the story involved because you know that's something the country could and would totally do.

You mean write a story that ludicrous and publish it to the masses? I hope you mean that, and not that the story is actually true...

Sad thing is the people would probably buy it hook line and sucker. Apparently they are taught that north Korea is the only true country and beyond their borders "a sort of appocolypse like age rages". And that all other country's have been annihilated....

Kinda conflicting since they keep threatening to irradiate the U.S xD

Esme_Belles said:
they keep threatening to irradiate the U.S

I'm not worried.

Moon_Moon said:
Welp guys, we face udder annihilation, let's just pack it all up and surrender to True Korea...
They have unleashed the power packed taste of the sun.

I fixed your link.

Genjar said:
Yep. It's from Waterford Whispers News. Which is kinda like The Onion, except not as good.

I originally found this story through a Reddit thread called Not The Onion. As the name implies, they collect stories that SOUND like they should be fake, but are not.
Buuut after investigating what I THOUGHT was the original source at TweakTown it seems THEIR source was indeed Waterford. Oh well!

For the record though I've read a whole book on the nation of crazy that is the Democratic Peoples Republic of Korea and I'll vouch in a heartbeat that they are not beyond this kind of insanity. Previous stories have been unicorn lairs, miraculous birds lifting the Dear Leader to the heavens, and a long running campaign that Kim Jung Ill played the game of golf once, and in that one game beat every professional golfer, ever.
I would (and did) completely believe it if someone told me North Korea was telling its people they put a man on the sun.

123easy said:
You mean write a story that ludicrous and publish it to the masses? I hope you mean that, and not that the story is actually true...

I can imagine them actually sending a spacecraft to the Sun and wondering why their astronaut died. And then telling everybody it was a success.

Incidentally, I highly recommend said book about batshit crazy North Korea; Nothing to Envy by Barbara Demick
It follows the actual stories of 5 or 6 people who managed to escape from NK, chronicling their trials and also giving the history and culture of the country in the process.
I gotta say, I kinda knew it was a bad place, but I had NO idea it was (and continues to be) this bad. I mean sure, they're easy to poke fun at, but their shit is dire. We're talking concentration camps, mass starvation, rampant paranoia, the works. It's a good (if slightly morbid) read well worth checking out!

oh fucking hell... they used the elder scrolls 4 theme song for one of these shitbased videos of theirs D:< now im pissed, no one messes with elderscrolls.
on that note wonder if any legal action was taken against them for that clearly copyright infringement

Esme_Belles said:
they used the elder scrolls 4 theme song for one of these shitbased videos of theirs

Don't know whether to laugh, rage, or finally go close all those damn Gates.

I wonder what can top this off...

tfkcex said:
I wonder what can top this off...

"This just in: North Korea has landed a man on Uranus. More at 12."

Sunny D.

furballs_dc said:
"This just in: North Korea has landed a man on Uranus. More at 12."

"An update, Uranus now belongs to North Korea. More at 10."

I can't wait for them to build a huge Kim Jong shaped twin-booster rocket and launch it successfully into the ocean.

furballs_dc said:
"An update, Uranus now belongs to North Korea. More at 10."

Lol

TheHuskyK9 said:
Lol

They would say that too. We must do it first! :3

furballs_dc said:
They would say that too. We must do it first! :3

You're right, we must claim Uranus!

TheHuskyK9 said:
You're right, we must claim Uranus!

Build bigger rockets. :3

furballs_dc said:
Build bigger rockets. :3

But if we do that, we'll destroy it :o

they built a tower that was big onto the sun

123easy said:
You mean write a story that ludicrous and publish it to the masses? I hope you mean that, and not that the story is actually true...

North Korea is the country that -

- built a tourist resort where you can get shot.
- tried to build the world's largest hotel, which now sits as a looming gray skeletal monolith in Pyongyang.
- kidnapped dozens of Japanese citizens to train spies, only to invite the Japanese prime minister in an act of goodwill 40 years later, and then get surprised when Japan is a little miffed about this.
- tests live nuclear ordnance without informing the vastly-better equipped U.N. of this, and presumes it threatens said Nations.
- built a fake city (Kijong-dong), which still exists, solely for luring South Korean defectors.
- has a leader who claims he invented the hamburger.
- failed to hide death camps on Google Maps.
- executed two US officers in the '70s for trimming a tree (admittedly, it was the subject of an oddly large US incursion plan..?)

Do you see the point, or need I go on?

Tunguska said:
- executed two US officers in the '70s for trimming a tree (admittedly, it was the subject of an oddly large US incursion plan..?)

That is a wonderful, albeit bizarre story. Lumberjack commandoes? Aww yeah.

Tangent said:
That is a wonderful, albeit bizarre story. Lumberjack commandoes? Aww yeah.

sadlly its true, they opened fire in the DMZ on two US officers who where trying to keep the line of sight open...

Oh, I know it's true, that's why it's so absurd. They had a whole team of little axe dudes go in there and everything. Fucking 'sacred tree'.

Tunguska said:
North Korea is the country that -

- built a tourist resort where you can get shot.
- tried to build the world's largest hotel, which now sits as a looming gray skeletal monolith in Pyongyang.
- kidnapped dozens of Japanese citizens to train spies, only to invite the Japanese prime minister in an act of goodwill 40 years later, and then get surprised when Japan is a little miffed about this.
- tests live nuclear ordnance without informing the vastly-better equipped U.N. of this, and presumes it threatens said Nations.
- built a fake city (Kijong-dong), which still exists, solely for luring South Korean defectors.
- has a leader who claims he invented the hamburger.
- failed to hide death camps on Google Maps.
- executed two US officers in the '70s for trimming a tree (admittedly, it was the subject of an oddly large US incursion plan..?)

Do you see the point, or need I go on?

I don't want to live on this planet anymore.

I'm a little (okay, extremely) late to the party, so sorry for necroposting on a thread that's been out for eight months, but since North Korea made the news again, (big surprise, right?) I thought I'd throw in my two cents.

A lot of you guys seem convinced that North Korea is run by a bunch of clowns.

Despite all the wacky news stories, do you think that a foolish leader can maintain control over an Orwellian nightmare for sixty years? While their leaders may seem insane to outside eyes, their people have no idea what the rest of the world is like. You may think that sinking South Korean ships, murdering civilian tourists, or testing nuclear weapons is acting on impulse, but things like that are actually very carefully planned and their people see it completely differently than we do.

Antagonizing the most powerful nation in the world may seem foolish, but it's brilliant. Nothing they've done has been enough to motivate anybody to invade them, and their actions convince their people that North Korea is strong. We see them shooting at South Korean vessels as trying to start a pointless pissing contest; they see it as proof that America is unable to protect South Korea.

They know exactly where the line is. They have come within micrometers of it, but they have not once crossed it.

Laugh at them all you want, but it's obviously working. The current regime isn't going anywhere anytime soon and there hasn't been a single revolution that made any bit of difference… and if there has been, nobody knows about it but the North Koreans.

Ya'll will feel pretty silly when this fucker comes home with a whole sunspot and all the worlds scientists just stare in complete disbelief.

All hail Kim our supreme ruler. The man who single handedly created a suit and space craft that could withstand the heat of 5,778 Kelvins and move at a speed of 37,400,000 KM per hour.

EDIT: Oh damn... I didn't even notice the necro posting that brought this to the front of the forum page.... Ew.

Durandal said:
I'm a little (okay, extremely) late to the party, so sorry for necroposting on a thread that's been out for eight months, but since North Korea made the news again, (big surprise, right?) I thought I'd throw in my two cents.

Cutedementia said:
EDIT: Oh damn... I didn't even notice the necro posting that brought this to the front of the forum page.... Ew.

:|

Cutedementia said:
Ya'll will feel pretty silly when this fucker comes home with a whole sunspot and all the worlds scientists just stare in complete disbelief.

All hail Kim our supreme ruler. The man who single handedly created a suit and space craft that could withstand the heat of 5,778 Kelvins and move at a speed of 37,400,000 KM per hour.

EDIT: Oh damn... I didn't even notice the necro posting that brought this to the front of the forum page.... Ew.

Sunspots are bigger than the damn Earth. Where the hell is he going to put it?

I'm all for a stealthy precision air strike on a certain fat North Korean leaders head...

North Korea is no threat. But god, they are the little annoying shitstain on this planet. Too bad their kissing so much Chinese ass that even the slightest slap on the wrist would upset someone.

Enough. We don't tolerate national hatred, even against North Korea.

Ryuzaki_Izawa said:
Sunspots are bigger than the damn Earth. Where the hell is he going to put it?

In Kim's living room, duh. His mansion is more then big enough! After all he does own the solar system, he's just generously lending some of it out to the rest of us humans.

Looks good to me.

RustyNails said:
Too bad their kissing so much Chinese ass that even the slightest slap on the wrist would upset someone.

North Korea does not rely on China to defend itself.

China has poured insane amounts of money into keeping NK alive but they've gained pretty much nothing in return other than threats. The Chinese government really is considering giving up on NK.

I doubt China would even lift a finger to help North Korea in the event of an invasion. It wouldn't be worth fighting the US again just to protect a buffer zone, even if it is a buffer zone that represents China's first victory over the West in centuries.

Give them some credit; North Korea's continued existence is its own doing, not China's.

Durandal said:

Give them some credit; North Korea's continued existence is its own doing, not China's.

Meanwhile!

http://images.complex.com/complex/image/upload/t_article_image/zl1egqnrfx5cwe9ln9ou.jpg

http://images.complex.com/complex/image/upload/t_article_image/xcw2arjb4fx3xn8gxl81.jpg

The_Great_Wolfgang said:
Meanwhile!

http://images.complex.com/complex/image/upload/t_article_image/zl1egqnrfx5cwe9ln9ou.jpg

http://images.complex.com/complex/image/upload/t_article_image/xcw2arjb4fx3xn8gxl81.jpg

You lost me there dude x)

Durandal said:
Glorious North Korea does not rely on China to defend itself.

China has poured insane amounts of money into keeping NK alive but they've gained pretty much nothing in return other than threats. The Chinese government really is considering giving up on NK.

I doubt China would even lift a finger to help North Korea in the event of an invasion. It wouldn't be worth fighting the US again just to protect a buffer zone, even if it is a buffer zone that represents China's first victory over the West in centuries.

Give them some credit; North Korea's continued existence is its own doing, not China's.

Well if China isn't gonna do a damn thing, why don't we jump on in there, chew bubble gum, and kick ass? Seriously, the conflict will last 2 weeks, tops.

Granted, I'm wondering, their people are so hopelessly brainwashed...If we gave them freedom, would they even know what to do with it?

FatherOfGray said:
Well if China isn't gonna do a damn thing, why don't we jump on in there, chew bubble gum, and kick ass? Seriously, the conflict will last 2 weeks, tops.

Granted, I'm wondering, their people are so hopelessly brainwashed...If we gave them freedom, would they even know what to do with it?

I assume that you are American. If that's true then please remember how your last "giving freedom" for "2 week, tops" went.

Granberia said:
I assume that you are American. If that's true then please remember how your last "giving freedom" for "2 week, tops" went.

Which attempt are we talking about, 'Nam or the Middle East? We got excuses for both of those.

Granberia said:
I assume that you are American. If that's true then please remember how your last "giving freedom" for "2 week, tops" went.

America strives to be the world's guardian father. Sometimes it succeeds and that's great. Other times, it ends up more like the awkward uncle and goes in with great intentions but makes a mess of things instead.

FatherOfGray said:
Well if China isn't gonna do a damn thing, why don't we jump on in there, chew bubble gum, and kick ass? Seriously, the conflict will last 2 weeks, tops.

Let's not go off-topic and start talking about current wars…

I can tell you why we aren't invading North Korea.

1: The refugee crisis that would occur after the war is something that nobody wants to deal with.
2: Not only would we have millions of refugees on our hands, they'd be starving, confused, and possibly hostile.
3: Seoul is within range of North Korean artillery. They would bomb it to Hell if we invaded and not even B-2 Spirits could completely prevent that.
4: China may not defend them, but it would not help relations between China and the US.
5, the big one: They have nuclear weapons, and their soldiers could be fanatical enough to detonate them on their own soil to kill as many invaders as possible.

There's no oil in NK. USA's not going to lift a finger.

Lizardite said:
There's no oil in NK. USA's not going to lift a finger.

No we don't say there's no oil, we say "there's no weapon of mass destruction" ;)

Lizardite said:
There's no oil in NK. USA's not going to lift a finger.

I wouldn't call helping keep the border secure and arming the South Koreans for sixty years "Not lifting a finger."

Durandal said:
Let's not go off-topic and start talking about current wars…

I can tell you why we aren't invading North Korea.

1: The refugee crisis that would occur after the war is something that nobody wants to deal with.
2: Not only would we have millions of refugees on our hands, they'd be starving, confused, and possibly hostile.
3: Seoul is within range of North Korean artillery. They would bomb it to Hell if we invaded and not even B-2 Spirits could completely prevent that.
4: China may not defend them, but it would not help relations between China and the US.
5, the big one: They have nuclear weapons, and their soldiers could be fanatical enough to detonate them on their own soil to kill as many invaders as possible.

So problems 1, 2, and 5 mean there is absolutely no hope for them whatsoever. If this is truly the case, then why does anyone talk about NK in the first place when there is nothing we can do?

FatherOfGray said:
So problems 1, 2, and 5 mean there is absolutely no hope for them whatsoever. If this is truly the case, then why does anyone talk about NK in the first place when there is nothing we can do?

Because from our wester-culture point of view, their leader is badshit crazy.

FatherOfGray said:
So problems 1, 2, and 5 mean there is absolutely no hope for them whatsoever.

That's the tragic reality.

FatherOfGray said:
If this is truly the case, then why does anyone talk about NK in the first place when there is nothing we can do?

Mainly because articles about North Korea are good click-bait.
And while we won't invade them, they are constantly testing the American/South Korean defenses. That's why they take potshots at border patrol. They also like to kidnap South Koreans and Japanese people, and even Americans on a good day. If we decided to ignore them, there would be more bloodshed, and we'd never get the people they've kidnapped back.

Durandal said:
Mainly because articles about North Korea are good click-bait.
And while we won't invade them, they are constantly testing the American/South Korean defenses. That's why they take potshots at border patrol. They also like to kidnap South Koreans and Japanese people, and even Americans on a good day. If we decided to ignore them, there would be more bloodshed, and we'd never get the people they've kidnapped back.

Here's an idea: What if everybody in the whole world just refused to acknowledge their existence? No more talking. No more trading. Nothing, until they abandon their regime. I doubt they have the infrastructure to provide entirely for themselves for more than a century. They would slowly get sucked into their own asshole until either their leader calls it quits or their country collapses. Either way, something is gonna give, and all the while the North Koreans will get to see first hand how truly weak their country is.

FatherOfGray said:
Here's an idea: What if everybody in the whole world just refused to acknowledge their existence? No more talking. No more trading. Nothing, until they abandon their regime. I doubt they have the infrastructure to provide entirely for themselves for more than a century.

We've been trying that this whole time. Aside from an embargo of questionable effectiveness, patrolling the border, and sending strongly-worded letters, we don't really interact with them.
They don't need to provide for their people. All they need is enough to keep the government afloat.
They have kept their people in perpetual starvation for so long that their citizens can't even tell when an actual famine is occurring. When millions die in famines, they blame the US and say that all North Koreans are suffering together.
China would not defend them in a war but I really doubt they're about to stop sending aid. It's kind of like how gamblers sell their shirts to keep gambling; they've put so much into it that they can't comprehend the possibility that it won't pay off eventually.

Durandal said:
China would not defend them in a war but I really doubt they're about to stop sending aid. It's kind of like how gamblers sell their shirts to keep gambling; they've put so much into it that they can't comprehend the possibility that it won't pay off eventually.

I'm talking a complete embargo worldwide. We'd have to convince China to cut the crap, perhaps provide meaningful compensation as a reward if they do. Soon NK wouldn't even have enough to keep the govt. afloat. Sure Kim might not give a fuck about his people, but once he starts feeling the heat...

I really don't understand what China thinks they can get out of NK in the first place that they don't already have.

FatherOfGray said:
I'm talking a complete embargo worldwide. We'd have to convince China to cut the crap, perhaps provide meaningful compensation as a reward if they do. Soon NK wouldn't even have enough to keep the govt. afloat. I really don't understand what China thinks they can get out of NK in the first place that they don't already have.

Like I mentioned earlier, the Korean war was the first war in which China repelled a Western power in a very long time. The existence of North Korea is symbolic to them, and Chinese veterans of the Korean War are still alive.
And the Chinese really don't want a US-backed country sharing a land border with them.

But China is becoming increasingly fed up with NK's antics… so who knows? Only Chinese leaders.

The thing is, if North Korea were to collapse, then some bloodthirsty revolutionary could get his hands on nuclear weapons. Could be one of the reasons China hasn't given up on them yet…

You guys in America seriously don't have more important issues right now? Like shooting unarmed black people or dissapointing your allies even more?

I want to give you a bit of sanity check - you are country that is considered the biggest threat to world peace. Before start playing a hero, please stop playing a villain.

Granberia said:
You guys in America seriously don't have more important issues right now? Like shooting unarmed black people or dissapointing your allies even more?

I want to give you a bit of sanity check - you are country that is considered the biggest threat to world peace. Before start playing a hero, please stop playing a villain.

Are you just trying to derail this conversation?

America is not the country that has people who have spent their entire lives in concentration camps because of a crime that their grandparents allegedly committed, which may have been telling a joke.

Quit trying to make this about your hate-boner for America.

Durandal said:
Are you just trying to derail this conversation?

America is not the country that has people who have spent their entire lives in concentration camps because of a crime that their grandparents allegedly committed, which may have been telling a joke.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Internment_of_Japanese_Americans

Granberia said:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Internment_of_Japanese_Americans

Because that's totally comparable to what North Koreans are facing, and it is also totally happening today, right?

Let me introduce you to Durandal's Guide to Arguing, excerpt 17.

Avoid the "Red herring" argument.
Example:
Right:
A: Apples are lame.
B: Apples provide valuable nutrients.
A: Perhaps apples are not so lame.
WRONG:
A: Apples are lame.
B: Yeah, well CHILDREN ARE STARVING IN AFRICA! WHO GIVES A SHIT ABOUT FUCKING APPLES, you piece of subhuman shit?!
A: What in God's name are you talking about

My spidey sense is detecting an imminent lock and/or derailment, so I'm gonna go ahead and step on my soapbox here…

People should stop seeing Kim Jong-Un and his cohorts as a bunch of goofballs. They are vile, uncaring men who put their personal desires ahead of the lives of millions of innocent people.

We should stop getting caught up in their wacky schemes and instead think more about the refugees who are trying to escape from Hell on Earth, who risk being executed and having their children and grandchildren spend their entire lives in concentration camps, all in the fight for things that we take for granted every day.

So remember… if you ever hear somebody compare Obama or the wealthy 1% to a North Korean dictator… slap them right across the face.
With your Bad Dragon toy.
*steps off soapbox*

Sorry about that. I think I'm done now...

That's enough of that.