Basically for 10 years I thought I was gay, due to my first relationship, but it turns out I'm more attracted to the fantasy of sex rather than a real deal. I am not attracted to males IRL and I dunno if I'm attracted to women or not. I can't build proper connections with people - I lose interest whenever they show me affection, I never had what I'd call crushes towards people IRL.

It's been affecting me negatively and have gone through a series of mental breakdowns, cause it turns out my whole sexuality is a lie built on furry porn. I'm trying to deal with that, but I feel like I have nobody to talk this with, since all therapists I've been to scratched their head and said they never heard of something like that or that I haven't explored enough.

That's the thing - I feel aroused by furry porn, but I have no incentive to do that with real people - I feel icky even looking at porn involving humans. Masturbation is more than enough for me in terms of sexual needs, but it would be nice to find someone I can feel arousal towards.

Do you.... uh... think if they were in a fursuit it'd be better? I have a very limited education when it comes to psychology (about five months before I dipped out because human suffering and all), but to me this just sounds like a normal fetish thing, perhaps some combination of aromantic/asexual leanings mixed with demisexuality if I had to guess. Flip through some different types of pornography, browse around, see if anything else "clicks". Brains are fuckin' weird, man, no such thing as your brain lying to you on what you find sexually attracting, that's nonsense, and thinking that way isn't going to help you figure out what's making yourself tick.

If you are taking any medications, such as certain antidepressants, that may also be playing a role in your libido outside of masturbation, so that might be worth taking into consideration.

leafistratus said:
Basically for 10 years I thought I was gay, due to my first relationship, but it turns out I'm more attracted to the fantasy of sex rather than a real deal. I am not attracted to males IRL and I dunno if I'm attracted to women or not. I can't build proper connections with people - I lose interest whenever they show me affection, I never had what I'd call crushes towards people IRL.

It's been affecting me negatively and have gone through a series of mental breakdowns, cause it turns out my whole sexuality is a lie built on furry porn. I'm trying to deal with that, but I feel like I have nobody to talk this with, since all therapists I've been to scratched their head and said they never heard of something like that or that I haven't explored enough.

That's the thing - I feel aroused by furry porn, but I have no incentive to do that with real people - I feel icky even looking at porn involving humans. Masturbation is more than enough for me in terms of sexual needs, but it would be nice to find someone I can feel arousal towards.

Well, human sexuality is a complex idea and it is alright to be confused or conflicted about it. Firstly, however, you need to find out who and what turns you on and are attracted to.
It can be broken down into sexual orientation (i.e., the romantic and sexual attraction towards a particular gender) and sexual arousal (i.e., sexual excitement towards something).

You can be sexually aroused to scenes of homosexuality, but at the same time, not be interested in being homosexual.
According to what you have said, it seems to me that you are describing asexuality (i.e., no sexual attraction towards a gender) and aromanticism (i.e., no romantic attraction towards a gender).
However, you have also mentioned that you have an attraction towards the "fantasy of sex" and are sexually aroused by furry porn, which points closer towards fictosexuality (i.e., sexual attraction toward fictional characters) instead.

Do you see yourself as possibly being in a relationship with a fictional character, in the same sense that one is attracted to guys or girls? If yes, then you can be considered as having fictiosexuality.
If you don't feel attracted to either human beings and fictional characters, but are only aroused by fictional characters, then you can be considered as having fictophilic asexuality (i.e., arousal to, but lacking any attraction for, fictional characters).

Don't fret though as one's own sexual orientation is not always that clear-cut or set in stone. It can develop or change over a period of time, depending on one's own experiences.
You will need to figure this one out by yourself. Get to know more people, regardless of whether or not you are sexually/romantically attracted towards them.

Really great posts and advices from @VotP and @TheGreatWolfgang.

leafistratus said:
Basically for 10 years I thought I was gay, due to my first relationship, but it turns out I'm more attracted to the fantasy of sex rather than a real deal. I am not attracted to males IRL and I dunno if I'm attracted to women or not. I can't build proper connections with people - I lose interest whenever they show me affection, I never had what I'd call crushes towards people IRL.

It's been affecting me negatively and have gone through a series of mental breakdowns, cause it turns out my whole sexuality is a lie built on furry porn. I'm trying to deal with that, but I feel like I have nobody to talk this with, since all therapists I've been to scratched their head and said they never heard of something like that or that I haven't explored enough.

That's the thing - I feel aroused by furry porn, but I have no incentive to do that with real people - I feel icky even looking at porn involving humans. Masturbation is more than enough for me in terms of sexual needs, but it would be nice to find someone I can feel arousal towards.

You might just be a gray ace, man.

That or you might have underlying issues that make physical intimacy difficult.

lonelylupine said:
You might just be a gray ace, man.

That or you might have underlying issues that make physical intimacy difficult.

Yeah this, I was gonna say as much but was beaten to the punch.

I wouldnt say this is an issue of fetishization either, you likely are just worrying too much.

If your current friend circle said such a harmful thing, consider why thry might be saying that, if you cam3 to the conclusion naturally then perhaps you should consider ehat fetishization means to you.

leafistratus said:
but it turns out I'm more attracted to the fantasy of sex rather than a real deal. [..] I can't build proper connections with people - I lose interest whenever they show me affection

thegreatwolfgang said:
Do you see yourself as possibly being in a relationship with a fictional character, in the same sense that one is attracted to guys or girls? If yes, then you can be considered as having fictiosexuality.
If you don't feel attracted to either human beings and fictional characters, but are only aroused by fictional characters, then you can be considered as having fictophilic asexuality (i.e., arousal to, but lacking any attraction for, fictional characters).

lonelylupine said:
You might just be a gray ace, man.

As much as I dislike hard-compartmentalisation it sounds somewhere in the aegosexual ballpark
It sounds more like you're into sex as an abstract concept and you fall off whenever it involves reality

leafistratus said:
Masturbation is more than enough for me in terms of sexual needs, but it would be nice to find someone I can feel arousal towards.

If you're just neurologically not into sex+reality then this is an unlikely goal. I'd suggest finding someone who's fine with you being disinterested in sex but it sounds like you're largely aromantic as well.
You're probably better off finding someone you're mutually comfortable with sharing more abstracted/virtual sexual experiences with (ie text roleplay, SecondLife, VRChat, etc,) just be careful about letting that get out of hand.

lonelylupine said:
That or you might have underlying issues that make physical intimacy difficult.

I suspected being ace back before I entered the first relationship - I was never interested in entering any relationship with girls (or anybody for that matter, being gay didn't cross my mind), I was a bit of an outcast in every school. The weird thing is that I didn't mind erotic content - although I never browsed PornHub or normal porn. I was solely focused on erotic roleplaying (at first, heterosexual) with MLP/furry characters, when I met my first partner. Not soon after (about 6 months in), he confessed to me that he had a crush on me. Something awakened in me, causing me to feel butterflies in my stomach and I was curious to give ourselves a try. We lasted about a year before breaking up messily.

Ever since then, I thought I was gay, despite not questioning my sexual orientation previously. I started browsing more gay yiff, I was not as interested in straight yiff as previously. Despite not actively looking for any other relationships, I was comfortable and happy with that label until recently, when I started reading up on the side effects of porn on the mind and after I decided to give sex with one of my close male friends a try - I didn't hate it, but it was underwhelming for me, couldn't even cum.

Until recently, I thought I'd end up with a guy, I yearned for the same infatuation I had back when I had the first relationship. But now everything is turning upside down and I am no longer sure if I am supressing my true sexual orientation or if I'm overthinking it. I wish I was gay, I feel happy thinking of relationships with guys, I connect with guys much more than girls. But I can't seem to develop IRL crushes on guys.

Maybe I am fucked up.

Something extremely important to keep in mind about the vast, vast majority of those "studies" and "experiments" that show "side effects" of pornography is that they're often funded, if not carried out outright, by religious fundamentalist groups that have a vested theological interest in portraying pornography and masturbation as shameful. Many of these, beyond inherent issues of setting out to "prove" something rather than merely finding out the truth, have an issue of conflicts of interest.

leafistratus said:
I suspected being ace back before I entered the first relationship - I was never interested in entering any relationship with girls (or anybody for that matter, being gay didn't cross my mind), I was a bit of an outcast in every school. The weird thing is that I didn't mind erotic content - although I never browsed PornHub or normal porn. I was solely focused on erotic roleplaying (at first, heterosexual) with MLP/furry characters, when I met my first partner. Not soon after (about 6 months in), he confessed to me that he had a crush on me. Something awakened in me, causing me to feel butterflies in my stomach and I was curious to give ourselves a try. We lasted about a year before breaking up messily.

Ever since then, I thought I was gay, despite not questioning my sexual orientation previously. I started browsing more gay yiff, I was not as interested in straight yiff as previously. Despite not actively looking for any other relationships, I was comfortable and happy with that label until recently, when I started reading up on the side effects of porn on the mind and after I decided to give sex with one of my close male friends a try - I didn't hate it, but it was underwhelming for me, couldn't even cum.

Until recently, I thought I'd end up with a guy, I yearned for the same infatuation I had back when I had the first relationship. But now everything is turning upside down and I am no longer sure if I am supressing my true sexual orientation or if I'm overthinking it. I wish I was gay, I feel happy thinking of relationships with guys, I connect with guys much more than girls. But I can't seem to develop IRL crushes on guys.

Maybe I am fucked up.

You're overthinking it.

And the scientific consensus is that porn is harmless, at least when it comes to neurology. Don't put stock in random studies, because there is always "a study."

leafistratus said:
I suspected being ace back before I entered the first relationship - I was never interested in entering any relationship with girls (or anybody for that matter, being gay didn't cross my mind), I was a bit of an outcast in every school. The weird thing is that I didn't mind erotic content - although I never browsed PornHub or normal porn. I was solely focused on erotic roleplaying (at first, heterosexual) with MLP/furry characters, when I met my first partner. Not soon after (about 6 months in), he confessed to me that he had a crush on me. Something awakened in me, causing me to feel butterflies in my stomach and I was curious to give ourselves a try. We lasted about a year before breaking up messily.

Ever since then, I thought I was gay, despite not questioning my sexual orientation previously. I started browsing more gay yiff, I was not as interested in straight yiff as previously. Despite not actively looking for any other relationships, I was comfortable and happy with that label until recently, when I started reading up on the side effects of porn on the mind and after I decided to give sex with one of my close male friends a try - I didn't hate it, but it was underwhelming for me, couldn't even cum.

Until recently, I thought I'd end up with a guy, I yearned for the same infatuation I had back when I had the first relationship. But now everything is turning upside down and I am no longer sure if I am supressing my true sexual orientation or if I'm overthinking it. I wish I was gay, I feel happy thinking of relationships with guys, I connect with guys much more than girls. But I can't seem to develop IRL crushes on guys.

Maybe I am fucked up.

Interests may change with time and experiences. Maybe your last relationship left a pretty bad taste and are afraid of the pain of a break up?
You may be overthinking it, you don't need labels, if you want to experiment a relationship with someone, be them male or female, it shouldn't really matter. But from what you have said, just make sure to let your future partner know that you aren't into sex , only fantasy, so they don't expect getting that from you. Communication is important to not mess it up :3.

leafistratus said:
Maybe I am fucked up.

The only reason you are is because you're making yourself that. Stop tying yourself into knots trying to peg yourself into a particular sexuality. When you feel so messed up and are well on your way into turning your psyche into a failed macrame project is not because the situation is complex, but because the end result isn't the one you want. It's the right result but you don't want it to be right, so you balk and twist away only to fall back towards it, lather, rinse, repeat, another knot made.

But really, why does it matter if you're X-sexual or not? Fiction isn't reality, so it hardly matters if you like fictional homosexual content or not (the same logic behind why liking more controversial fetishes doesn't equate with liking their real life counterparts). In real life, things aren't clearcut. You can either try to force things into a pre-determined category that may or may not reflect reality but exists because you think it has to be this way and no other, or you can let things be and fall into place naturally so you can see how they really are. But you have to let yourself go and stop trying to be exactly this narrow notion of sexuality you think you should be and no other.

This is interesting to me Leafistratus because we are in a very similar situation, and a lot of what you said hits home to me. I don't really feel ashamed about it, just confused mainly. I've felt this way for at least the last 20 years, since my teens... I've always felt very attracted to furry characters even before I knew what a furry was or knew there was porn of it and I've never really felt that kind of attraction to a real person. All of the "celebrity crushes" I've had in my life have been furry characters. By now I've stopped trying to justify it or explain it in my head, I just enjoy the porn and my fantasies. When people ask me why I don't date I just tell them I'm too busy (which is also true anyway.)

You could say that means I'm "fucked up" but I've never longed for a human relationship and I can't force myself to want something. I think your wants are an important part of who you are as a person and trying to change your desires to fit what others consider "normal" is inherently less healthy than just accepting the way you feel as part of you.

clawstripe said:
The only reason you are is because you're making yourself that. Stop tying yourself into knots trying to peg yourself into a particular sexuality. When you feel so messed up and are well on your way into turning your psyche into a failed macrame project is not because the situation is complex, but because the end result isn't the one you want. It's the right result but you don't want it to be right, so you balk and twist away only to fall back towards it, lather, rinse, repeat, another knot made.

Believe me, I'm trying my hardest. But I end up still thinking about it subconsciously and it's making me depressed. I keep telling myself "shut the fuck up, it doesn't matter", but my mind is stubborn anyway. It's like there are two people inside of me and they are screaming at one another continuously. I feel fine in the morning only to have the thoughts flooding in anyway.

Maybe I am not gay, but my mind does not seem to accept this.

Is it possible your romantic issues stem from the anxiety of reliving the same negative experience from your first relationship, further causing you to question your sexuality due to not wanting to be involved at all because being alone is easier then dealing with the heartache and stress that failed relationships bring?

leafistratus said:
Maybe I am not gay, but my mind does not seem to accept this.

Think of it more like having a separate point on sexuality scales for real stuff versus fantasy stuff. Don't try to force them to be the same, and if you're just not sexual in real life it doesn't mean you have to drop what you like in furry porn/RP.
I have personal experience with this but I'm not giving any more detail than that here.

leafistratus said:
Believe me, I'm trying my hardest.

The problem is that you're trying at all. Just relax.

I looked in the internet the term "Need for Human Contact / Company" but I guess it is already something that you have to look for in old Philosophy or Psychology books.

Still, we have the privilege that they still do not erase this...

1

rlctntfr said:
This is interesting to me Leafistratus because we are in a very similar situation, and a lot of what you said hits home to me. I don't really feel ashamed about it, just confused mainly. I've felt this way for at least the last 20 years, since my teens... I've always felt very attracted to furry characters even before I knew what a furry was or knew there was porn of it and I've never really felt that kind of attraction to a real person. All of the "celebrity crushes" I've had in my life have been furry characters. By now I've stopped trying to justify it or explain it in my head, I just enjoy the porn and my fantasies. When people ask me why I don't date I just tell them I'm too busy (which is also true anyway.)

You could say that means I'm "fucked up" but I've never longed for a human relationship and I can't force myself to want something. I think your wants are an important part of who you are as a person and trying to change your desires to fit what others consider "normal" is inherently less healthy than just accepting the way you feel as part of you.

i can relate to this as well as the above mention of being attracted mainly to fictional characters. i've had a few crushes throughout my life but i haven't had any for a few years now. but i do get crushes on furry characters or even non-furry characters quite easily. i might think a real person is attractive or admirable, but i don't get giddy when i see or think of them or want to build a relationship with them or anything like that. in real life, i'm not dying to get into a romantic relationship but with fictional characters, mostly furry fictional characters, i find it's easier for me to develop a crush. maybe it's some sort of fantastical or idealistic aspect. maybe i've gotten too used to fiction.

leafistratus said:
I keep telling myself "shut the fuck up, it doesn't matter", but my mind is stubborn anyway.

Sounds like you're being pretty harsh on yourself. Maybe it doesn't matter and is worth letting go of, but a lack of compassion for one's self is not really a productive way to get there. Believe me, it's something I struggle with a lot too, and I hate it every time I get called out with "would you say that to a friend in a similar situation". Whoever you are, you deserve to be treated with compassion and respect, including by yourself.

leafistratus said:
It's like there are two people inside of me and they are screaming at one another continuously. I feel fine in the morning only to have the thoughts flooding in anyway.

I grok that. No advice here or anything, but arguing with one's self is surprisingly (or at least I found it surprising) normal. For me, CBT/DBT skills are how I managed to make the non-stop fighting manageable. [Insert two wolves meme here]

If you're any younger than like a few thousand years old, you're probably too young to have everything figured out yet. Don't get me wrong, self discovery is a worthwhile pursuit, but it's like searching for treasure on the beach. You might not find what you're looking for, but there are always more cool things out there to discover. This might be a thing without a crisp answer available, but there are some definite positives: You know some things you like, and you know some things you don't like. Those are both great pieces of information to take and just run with, however they best fit into your life. Even if - no - especially if they don't fit the narrative of sex and relationships that we've all been told is the right one, use them to make your life awesome.

If you're any younger than like a few thousand years old, you're probably too young to have everything figured out yet. Don't get me wrong, self discovery is a worthwhile pursuit, but it's like searching for treasure on the beach. You might not find what you're looking for, but there are always more cool things out there to discover. This might be a thing without a crisp answer available, but there are some definite positives: You know some things you like, and you know some things you don't like. Those are both great pieces of information to take and just run with, however they best fit into your life. Even if - no - especially if they don't fit the narrative of sex and relationships that we've all been told is the right one, use them to make your life awesome.

Extraordinary.

I will print it and hang it on my wall.

leafistratus said:
I lose interest whenever they show me affection

You might also want to look into lithosexuality as well while everyone's suggesting sublabels on the aro/ace spectrums.

If you haven't given up on therapy and/or can still afford it, I suggest you try looking for a lgbtq affirming or at least lgbtq literate therapist. (since it seems your last counselors weren't) Here's an article I found that includes some links to resources for finding one. (skip down to the "Finding a Queer or LGBTQ+-Affirming Therapist" section if your not interested in the author's story)

If you just want to talk to people with similar experiences, you can also look into the aro/ace communities either online or in your local area. I myself like to attend zoom meetings facilitated by one of the lgbt orgs in my area. they basically just function as an excuse for queer people to get in touch with each other, talk about their experiences, and share resources. Here's a site that might help you find your local orgs.

On a more personable note, I relate to a lot of what your experiencing. Particularly your concern that your current sexual identity doesn't reflect your "true" sexuality and your difficulty with trying to "act natural" and accept that you might not be what you thought you were. I've gone through/been going through 4 different sexual identity crises over the last 12 years. I've found that the more I worry about not being the "preferred" identity, the less I was able to actually enjoy any porn that aligned with that identity. Being so worried about liking gay furry porn, for example, made it harder for me to truly enjoy straight furry porn. I do enjoy straight furry porn, as much or more than I do gay furry porn, but back then my desire to be straight made me think I had to enjoy it. Like it would make me less "not straight". Not only did this make straight porn less satisfying, but the self imposed taboo on gay porn made it more exciting to fap to instead. What I hope I'm illustrating here is that putting one possibility on a pedestal and thinking of it like something you "have to be" can dampen your actual appreciation of it and make the alternative seem more likely.
As for learning how to let go and open yourself up to other possibilities, I'll just say that it's going to be a long, gradual, process so you don't need to beat yourself up for not taking to it immediately. It's okay to indulge in some insecurity sometimes as long as your aware that's what your doing and your also putting some thought into understanding it. Investigate why you feel so attached to this idea of yourself and, without trying to reach a decisive answer, ask things like "Do I really need to be this? What am I losing if I become something else? Is it worth it?". You can answer these questions anyway that feels right, and you can change your answers to something that feels better in the future. You may go through this process hundreds of times before you start to become comfortable with yourself again, but by then it'll be because you've internalized a sense of perspective about the issue.

garfieldfromgarfield said:
i can relate to this as well as the above mention of being attracted mainly to fictional characters. i've had a few crushes throughout my life but i haven't had any for a few years now. but i do get crushes on furry characters or even non-furry characters quite easily. i might think a real person is attractive or admirable, but i don't get giddy when i see or think of them or want to build a relationship with them or anything like that. in real life, i'm not dying to get into a romantic relationship but with fictional characters, mostly furry fictional characters, i find it's easier for me to develop a crush. maybe it's some sort of fantastical or idealistic aspect. maybe i've gotten too used to fiction.

I think getting too accustomed to fiction has affected many furbys romantic/sexual interests

godofcringe said:
I think getting too accustomed to fiction has affected many furbys romantic/sexual interests

I we change the world furby for "furries", I could see how it could be true.

I don't know if I was an example for that. For the first 25 years of my life, I don't even kissed a girl. I started being a furry since I was 14 or 15... but the truth in my case, is that I was hated by people, and I hated them in return. To be furry or not, had nothing to do with that, but with my behaviour, and where I was raised in my young years. I was a boy that just wanted to be left alone with my books, and seeing documentals about Nature in TV. No chance that my family and all the people around me would forgive me that. Also, I was rised in those years in a Northern State of Mexico, at the time were people from Mexico City were hated the most.

So I grew up holding a grudge against real people, but loving the furries, very deeply. I could say that this love and this world of fantasy kept me SANE.

By mere chance, at 25, I knew a woman that really wanted to go to bed with me, no matter what. At the end, it ended in a disaster... and I was fired from work (where I met her), that for me was the least important thing.

But then I discovered, that after all, I have growed up, and that I could control my environment better and I could either going away of nasty people... or if needed, split their faces =).

So I began to date a lot of women... mostly ended bad... but with good sex in the meanwhile... Doing to them, what I imagened doing to my loved furries for years,... and they liked that!!.

=).

With time, I also went to some castings of real porn... not performed well, but after all, I believe that not so many people really can do it well, in front of people and camaras. But even when I didn't succeed, are memories that I treassure, something that you could take with you in your dying bed.

At the end, for my sexual and psychological life, I guess I thank the attraction to furries, sustaining me for that long... and still.

=).

thelibertineyeen said:
You might also want to look into lithosexuality as well while everyone's suggesting sublabels on the aro/ace spectrums.

If you haven't given up on therapy and/or can still afford it, I suggest you try looking for a lgbtq affirming or at least lgbtq literate therapist. (since it seems your last counselors weren't) Here's an article I found that includes some links to resources for finding one. (skip down to the "Finding a Queer or LGBTQ+-Affirming Therapist" section if your not interested in the author's story)

I tried therapy, but I feel like I was misunderstood. Nobody understands what furries are, I'm in a country where mental healthcare is still crawling on its fours. I feel like I'd be more successful talking to a wall. Besides, I keep talking about it to friends, but aside from affirmation, they are unable to help me. I feel like I'm on my own with this one.

Unfortunately, the links you sent apply to US, I live in East Europe.

I thought about asexuality, but I don't feel disgusted towards sex, just indifferent about it and kinda frustrated that it's not pleasurable for me as it was for my partners. I never tried it with women, but I don't want to either.

thelibertineyeen said:
On a more personable note, I relate to a lot of what your experiencing. Particularly your concern that your current sexual identity doesn't reflect your "true" sexuality and your difficulty with trying to "act natural" and accept that you might not be what you thought you were. I've gone through/been going through 4 different sexual identity crises over the last 12 years. I've found that the more I worry about not being the "preferred" identity, the less I was able to actually enjoy any porn that aligned with that identity. Being so worried about liking gay furry porn, for example, made it harder for me to truly enjoy straight furry porn. I do enjoy straight furry porn, as much or more than I do gay furry porn, but back then my desire to be straight made me think I had to enjoy it. Like it would make me less "not straight". Not only did this make straight porn less satisfying, but the self imposed taboo on gay porn made it more exciting to fap to instead. What I hope I'm illustrating here is that putting one possibility on a pedestal and thinking of it like something you "have to be" can dampen your actual appreciation of it and make the alternative seem more likely.
As for learning how to let go and open yourself up to other possibilities, I'll just say that it's going to be a long, gradual, process so you don't need to beat yourself up for not taking to it immediately. It's okay to indulge in some insecurity sometimes as long as your aware that's what your doing and your also putting some thought into understanding it. Investigate why you feel so attached to this idea of yourself and, without trying to reach a decisive answer, ask things like "Do I really need to be this? What am I losing if I become something else? Is it worth it?". You can answer these questions anyway that feels right, and you can change your answers to something that feels better in the future. You may go through this process hundreds of times before you start to become comfortable with yourself again, but by then it'll be because you've internalized a sense of perspective about the issue.

I am trying not to worry. But what more can I do? The more I reflect on this, the more depressed I'm becoming. I feel that at some point I won't be able to take it anymore and push everybody away in the end. I get intrusive thoughts of hurting myself, I've had multiple mental breakdowns. The longer it goes, the more I want to give up on life.

I hate that it's affecting me that much and I'm trying not to give a fuck. But I don't know any way to cope with this. My mind is stubborn.

leafistratus said:
I tried therapy, but I feel like I was misunderstood. Nobody understands what furries are, I'm in a country where mental healthcare is still crawling on its fours. I feel like I'd be more successful talking to a wall. Besides, I keep talking about it to friends, but aside from affirmation, they are unable to help me. I feel like I'm on my own with this one.

Unfortunately, the links you sent apply to US, I live in East Europe.

I thought about asexuality, but I don't feel disgusted towards sex, just indifferent about it and kinda frustrated that it's not pleasurable for me as it was for my partners. I never tried it with women, but I don't want to either.

I am trying not to worry. But what more can I do? The more I reflect on this, the more depressed I'm becoming. I feel that at some point I won't be able to take it anymore and push everybody away in the end. I get intrusive thoughts of hurting myself, I've had multiple mental breakdowns. The longer it goes, the more I want to give up on life.

I hate that it's affecting me that much and I'm trying not to give a fuck. But I don't know any way to cope with this. My mind is stubborn.

Asexuality is not about being disgusted towards sex, it also applies to being indifferent towards it. Make a bit of research about it.

Also you can take therapy via internet, and it works. But from what you are mentioning, probably you will need a psychiatrist because of the "intrusive thoughts of hurting myself, I've had multiple mental breakdowns. The longer it goes, the more I want to give up on life."; Probably you will need medication to ease that pain while you are at therapy (think of it as emotional pain killers, while therapist tries to heal you). And is not always good to stick with always the same therapist.

leafistratus said:
I thought about asexuality, but I don't feel disgusted towards sex, just indifferent about it and kinda frustrated that it's not pleasurable for me

It sounds like your image of asexualiity is one specific inflexible definition, instead of being a catch-all. There are even prominent accepted subsets of asexuality for people who like sex but only in specific circumstances. ^{Such as people who enjoy sexual content and the idea of sex but don't enjoy participating in real life.}
It might also be important to keep in mind the distinction between sexual and romantic behaviours. We (societally) usually treat romantic orientation as matching sexual orientation ^{i.e. assuming someone sexually attracted to the same sex is equally romantically attracted to the same sex or gender} but that's not how it works.

leafistratus said:
I yearned for the same infatuation I had back when I had the first relationship. [..] I feel happy thinking of relationships

These statements for example are romantic in nature, not sexual. Sex just happens to be associated with the concept of a relationship.
It gets tricky from there, though. It still sounds to me like you're in some way aromantic ^{remember that this doesn't mean you're anti-romantic or even 100% a-romantic*, you've already given example otherwise.} It sounds as if, from what you've said, your prior relationship was entirely online? If so you can most likely experience that again, but don't expect to immediately find one perfect relationship that lasts forever. Online relationships are tricky for a lot of people, and there's a lot less of the real-world-social-pressure to stick together. ^{And even in real-life relationships, where no-fault-divorce is an option around half of marriages end that way. Most relationships dissolve without active pressure keeping them together.}

Just remember whenever you're not currently in a relationship isn't the end of the world. We're just wired to feel that way because relationships and sex are how babies get made.

*
a- prefix (3) = not
anti- prefix = against

I have this weird theory that most human males are programmed to not feel attraction towards masculine faces since that would go against our survival instincts of creating offsprings and that this is why i can enjoy male oriented furry porn since their faces are swapped out with something else
Im probably super wrong and sorry if this sounded dumb

timewolf said:
I have this weird theory that most human males are programmed to not feel attraction towards masculine faces since that would go against our survival instincts of creating offsprings and that this is why i can enjoy male oriented furry porn since their faces are swapped out with something else
Im probably super wrong and sorry if this sounded dumb

Male and female are attracted to symetric faces, mainly of the opposite sex. Symmetry is something difficult to attain for genes (I mean, off course we see symmetry in the human body, since we are bilateral animals), but the degree of this characteristic, still have variation. Means a very good performance of numerous developmental genes.

leafistratus said:
Basically for 10 years I thought I was gay, due to my first relationship, but it turns out I'm more attracted to the fantasy of sex rather than a real deal. I am not attracted to males IRL and I dunno if I'm attracted to women or not. I can't build proper connections with people - I lose interest whenever they show me affection, I never had what I'd call crushes towards people IRL.

It's been affecting me negatively and have gone through a series of mental breakdowns, cause it turns out my whole sexuality is a lie built on furry porn. I'm trying to deal with that, but I feel like I have nobody to talk this with, since all therapists I've been to scratched their head and said they never heard of something like that or that I haven't explored enough.

That's the thing - I feel aroused by furry porn, but I have no incentive to do that with real people - I feel icky even looking at porn involving humans. Masturbation is more than enough for me in terms of sexual needs, but it would be nice to find someone I can feel arousal towards.

I wouldnt take pornography as a standard. I like drawn porn, I hate real porn, I still enjoy normal sex with girls IRL. Maybe you really need to explore more.

timewolf said:
I have this weird theory that most human males are programmed to not feel attraction towards masculine faces since that would go against our survival instincts of creating offsprings and that this is why i can enjoy male oriented furry porn since their faces are swapped out with something else
Im probably super wrong and sorry if this sounded dumb

(Comment 2)

I was thinking in this post of yours for 24 hrs +....

I am not gay or bisexual, by I have always thought that furry faces both male and female are super attractive.

If I were gay - as in the song - I thought I would simply melt seeing the face of Disney's Todd or Robin Hood, and looking into their deep dark eyes...

https://vignette.wikia.nocookie.net/disneyinfinityfanfiction/images/e/e5/Maxresdefault.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20170209235702

'=(.

Instead, I have never understood what would be attractive to see some furry drawings of ultra-musculated men, I mean, almost a solid seemingly unable to move mass.

mexicanfurry said:
Instead, I have never understood what would be attractive to see some furry drawings of ultra-musculated men, I mean, almost a solid seemingly unable to move mass.

Drifting off-topic but I've assumed that's a lack of an internal limiter on ([trait] = good therefore increased [trait] = increased good)
Apply also to breast/ass/penis sizes and fat.

magnuseffect said:
Drifting off-topic...

The topic has been to tell @Leafistratus that please do not hurt himself, and to offer the very little help and moral support that could be provided from hundreds of miles away, and not even knowing which country he lives in.

=(.

In my humble opinion, it is somehow bad that "Furry" do not come with instructions of how to live. And we (every one of us) have the most disparte notions of what to do to to solve the problems of life, that keep coming to everyone.

But I believe the advices given above, were in general very positive, trending to recommend to look for more professional help, and little by little increase contact with people.

There is not a well stated "Furry Philosophy".

... but I've assumed that's a lack of an internal limiter on ([trait] = good therefore increased [trait] = increased good)
Apply also to breast/ass/penis sizes and fat.

Actually, in Psychology and Zoology, this has a name, and it is called "supernormal stimulus".

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Supernormal_stimulus

But even knowing that it exists, it is amazing to me to see that effect in humans. I am by nature more for the ideal of well a proportionated body, a la Greek.

Regards, @MagnusEffect.

mexicanfurry said:
The topic has been to tell @Leafistratus that please do not hurt himself, and to offer the very little help and moral support that could be provided from hundreds of miles away, and not even knowing which country he lives in.

I just need time, I suppose. I still appreciate all the good words and advice. Just trying to deal with thoughts - I may have to give therapy another try, cause I'm starting to withdraw from my friends and closed ones at this point and I do nothing but venting on the Internet trying to deal with this and becoming less happier every week. This has been an epiphany for sure.

Is it possible to close this thread?

leafistratus said:
I just need time, I suppose. I still appreciate all the good words and advice. Just trying to deal with thoughts - I may have to give therapy another try, cause I'm starting to withdraw from my friends and closed ones at this point and I do nothing but venting on the Internet trying to deal with this and becoming less happier every week. This has been an epiphany for sure.

I hear you much more composed and I celebrate that.

Therefore, I will risk to give my own recommendation. You like to see furry porn, and that is not bad. Whatever beauty and good and tender feelings you perceive when looking at it, is because is something in you... awaken, so to speak, by what you see.

My guess, is that you feel the urge - even if you do not admit it to yourself - to share that with someone. Because we humans evolved for 5 million years for that, as social animals. And that is good.

Share it with a woman or a man. But even if you do it one day... then you will be in front of a new world of questions and problems, and you will discover that people is very much selfish, and 7 out of 10, would hurt you given the chance.

But there is no way to avoid problems in life. And the last problem in your life that you will face, will surely defeat you. But we could always find pleasure and even temporary happiness FACING those problems.

Is it possible to close this thread?

Is up to the administration, but I believe that they could concede your desire.

leafistratus said:
This entire thread

Hey man, this is late as fuck but I just want to say,

You're not fetishising anyone and you're not a bad person.