Topic: Where has the love gone

Posted under Off Topic

This probably isn't the best place to wax poetic or spill feelings, but here I am I guess. How is it do you guys find someone to love? I've looked and looked, even signing up for several dating sites, but have found nothing. I've been in other circles asking this advice, but this community is one of the few places where I'm not seen as weird or unsociable. So can you tell me where I can look that isn't the same thing I've heard over and over again? That "be yourself" or "look in places you'd hang out," none of it worked. Please, I just need help finally finding someone to tie the knot with.

Cloudpie

Privileged

Do you know how to make friends? Do you have close friends? A lot of couples start as friends, they're not specifically looking for people to date.

mercuryjungten said:
but this community is one of the few places where I'm not seen as weird or unsociable.

Why not date within the fandom? There's most likely a telegram group for furries in your city or area.

mercuryjungten said:
This probably isn't the best place to wax poetic or spill feelings, but here I am I guess. How is it do you guys find someone to love? I've looked and looked, even signing up for several dating sites, but have found nothing. I've been in other circles asking this advice, but this community is one of the few places where I'm not seen as weird or unsociable. So can you tell me where I can look that isn't the same thing I've heard over and over again? That "be yourself" or "look in places you'd hang out," none of it worked. Please, I just need help finally finding someone to tie the knot with.

The place may not be the issue here, Dood.

Take a breath and Relax.
I think you may have the wrong
mindset about romance, Dood

Marriages and directly speaking relationships are
not just finding a peep willing to get into one with you.
Both-way support is a big key, Being there for each other;
Going into one with this level of intensity to tie yourself
to them will only lead to bad news, Dood

Throwing far too much emotions

From the sounds of it, I'd say take a break from
Trying to find someone and work on yourself.
'Seeing what you'd want personally from this big
blue marble, Dood

Given the way you are right now, I am kinda worried
you may, "Find a peep."

A peep who'd manipulate and use you for money and lodging.
Threatening to end the "Relationship" if you dare say anything
about it since "They're the only one who would take you" and
all types of horribleness. Please, Just take a moment to breath,
Sometimes being alone is better, Dood
╹‿╹)

The first ever time I talked with my girlfriend, she told me she was a mobile gamer, and I said mobile gamers deserve to be put in a dog cage…

…now i’m here. Finding ideas for naughty things to do with her :3

Sometimes it’s not about being yourself, but more simply, saying the things that passes thru your mind without letting social anxiety overanalyse everything.
Let some of these intrusive thoughts win.

Go rizz em’ with the tism’, boy!

I've been married for 10 or so years and I'm still not sure what everybody seems to think they're missing out on so much.

Why not date within the fandom? There's most likely a telegram group for furries in your city or area.

I've actually tried multiple times with the friends route, I know that's the most healthy path. I don't know about searching through Telegrams, it's possible but I don't use it too much. Where do I start?

Take a breath and Relax.
I think you may have the wrong
mindset about romance, Dood

Don't worry, I know it's a two way street for a relationship to work. Faith and honesty is the best foundation I can base it on, unfortunately my last gf didn't think so. She lied about me being her first real relationship, that she grew apathetic to our relationship, and not even two weeks after we broke up, she found someone new.

As for working on myself, people keep telling me that but I just find it difficult to understand. I know to keep exercising and keep myself busy with hobbies, but what else? I guess I've conditioned myself to keep it inside and it's been like that for so long, even after speaking with a therapist, that it eventually fizzles away. That's not healthy, I know it's not, and I know people will say that all humans are worth something to another. I have a few good friends and an okay family, but they've told me the same thing every time, like what you said.

The one thing that causes these feelings to boil up is when there's a sudden urge of depression that hits me out of nowhere. I remember, "Oh right, I'm technically alone since I don't have any romantic partners and all my friends are on discord." These depressive episodes of either desperation or seeking comfort only arise when come up with those depression spikes. I can't control when it happens, but I feel unwanted and even useless. I know I have friends who rely on me, friends that want me to live, I'm not suicidal but I still wouldn't own a gun (moments of weakness, you know?).

I guess there's also the frustration of someone just dipping the friendship before it truly began, because it happens occasionally. It's easy for a lot of people to just ghost, I've done it a few times too, but I want to at least hear a goodbye. You know you're down bad when a scammer artist on Twitter has been my healthiest "new probable" relationship until I discovered she was gay.

Maybe I need to be in those Telegrams like cloudpie said, but I don't know where to start.

mercuryjungten said:

Don't worry, I know it's a two way street for a relationship to work. Faith and honesty is the best foundation I can base it on, unfortunately, my last gf didn't think so. She lied about me being her first real relationship, that she grew apathetic to our relationship, and not even two weeks after we broke up, she found someone new.

As for working on myself, people keep telling me that but I just find it difficult to understand. I know to keep exercising and keep myself busy with hobbies, but what else? I guess I've conditioned myself to keep it inside and it's been like that for so long, even after speaking with a therapist, that it eventually fizzles away. That's not healthy, I know it's not, and I know people will say that all humans are worth something to another. I have a few good friends and an okay family, but they've told me the same thing every time, like what you said.

The one thing that causes these feelings to boil up is when there's a sudden urge of depression that hits me out of nowhere. I remember, "Oh right, I'm technically alone since I don't have any romantic partners and all my friends are on discord." These depressive episodes of either desperation or seeking comfort only arise when come up with those depression spikes. I can't control when it happens, but I feel unwanted and even useless. I know I have friends who rely on me, friends that want me to live, I'm not suicidal but I still wouldn't own a gun (moments of weakness, you know?).

I guess there's also the frustration of someone just dipping the friendship before it truly began, because it happens occasionally. It's easy for a lot of people to just ghost, I've done it a few times too, but I want to at least hear a goodbye. You know you're down bad when a scammer artist on Twitter has been my healthiest "new probable" relationship until I discovered she was gay.

Maybe I need to be in those Telegrams like cloudpie said, but I don't know where to start.

Aw crap, No one told you?!

When someone says you should 'work on yourself'
they don't mean 100% external stuff, Like just finding
a hobby and stuff- Heck, Hate it when peeps say that
alone like-

Yes! The cure for my existential dread about the concept of being alive is cured completely by building a model boat, Dood!

No.

'Working on yourself' or 'Self Improvement' is the long and arduous
process of changing one's mind and mindset from nihilism and
pessimistic to optimism. A mind capable of saying:

I believe in myself and that things will work out, Dood!

It won't happen in a day and that's o.k, Change is a hard
thing to fully do! Heck, I have a jealous, envious, and
downright malicious inner critic who belittles anything
I do. It makes me feel like the worst peep alive if I so
much as forget to say thank you or if I get a line wrong.
Been working on 'em for years and it still flares up now
and again, Dood. =T

You will stumble and You will fall but 'Working on yourself'
means working on the ability to push yourself back up.
To learn how to produce and control your hope in life like
Gon Learned how to produce and control Nen, Dood!

You're already doing it now without noticing! Reaching
out to others and talking to your therapist and I am
proud of you, Dood!
◠‿◠)~★

Cloudpie

Privileged

mercuryjungten said:
I don't know about searching through Telegrams, it's possible but I don't use it too much. Where do I start?

Join the telegram group for the closest furry con to where you live and ask if anyone can send you a link to the [your city or state] group. Here's a map of all the furry conventions. You can also try the telegram furlist site, but don't get discouraged if you don't find what you're looking for, a lot of groups aren't on there.

If you happen to be in Oregon or Washington I can DM you some links to chats :)

mercuryjungten said:
This probably isn't the best place to wax poetic or spill feelings, but here I am I guess. How is it do you guys find someone to love? I've looked and looked, even signing up for several dating sites, but have found nothing. I've been in other circles asking this advice, but this community is one of the few places where I'm not seen as weird or unsociable. So can you tell me where I can look that isn't the same thing I've heard over and over again? That "be yourself" or "look in places you'd hang out," none of it worked. Please, I just need help finally finding someone to tie the knot with.

i've never had any friends at any point in my life ever. at most, i share memes with my aunt. i'm really not sure what i'm missing, but i'm sure i'm missing something.

notkastar said:
A peep who'd manipulate and use you for money and lodging.
Threatening to end the "Relationship" if you dare say anything
about it since "They're the only one who would take you" and
all types of horribleness. Please, Just take a moment to breath,
Sometimes being alone is better, Dood
╹‿╹)

Dang. I did, without any irony, fall into that mindset of seeing toxic and exploitative relationships as better than none at all. The idea and feeling of being undesired and unlovable (regardless of the lack of rationality), was just becoming too much to bear. The only reason I escaped that fate was because I got lucky. Very lucky.

OP, please take note of what notkastar said here. I may have lucked out but it really could have ended badly for me.

As for what advice I can give, OP, I only have my own experience to draw from so make of that what you will. Don't expect to meet the perfect partner. Even in a healthy relationship, your partner will fall short of your desires in one or more ways and that's OK. Forget everything you've seen in romance movies and Disney films, the story doesn't end when you get into a relationship followed by "happily ever after". In a lot of fiction, all of the work is done before the relationship is cemented and once it is, it's smooth sailing from there. That's not how it works in real life. While it helps if your potential partner has a lot in common with you, it just won't be 100%, maybe not 90% or even 80%. You'll have to bite the bullet on something and that's OK. Within reason, of course. Both you and your partner will be meeting in the middle on a whole host of things. Barring fundamentally incompatible values, it can work, as long as both of you approach it this way.

So yeah, he or she doesn't need to have everything in common with you. As long as both of you are willing to listen, understand and meet in the middle, it'll work out despite the differences.

Listening is a very important one too. At least in my experience, if you let your date open up and talk, they'll tell you what they want and don't want. It does take putting two and two together. Their boundaries and sensibilities may not match yours but it's important to at least understand them.

You be the judge of how helpful that was but either way, I tried.

lazyoldmutt said:
I think girls can read a guys body language in their profile images and tell from just their posing or what not that some guys may just be after sex and nothing else, and then simply just decide to DNI with those guys.

It's also possible that girls simply just avoid guys that show even the slightest hint of autism in their profile texts, as they know these guys may be unable to keep a conversation going for any extent of time.

It also seems to be an exponentially increasing trend that girls only show interest in increasingly anorexia thin guys, as if the biggest/longest cock wasent enough anymore.

Not the right place to shitpost, dude...

notkastar said:

'Working on yourself' or 'Self Improvement' is the long and arduous
process of changing one's mind and mindset from nihilism and
pessimistic to optimism. A mind capable of saying:

I believe in myself and that things will work out, Dood!

Imma concur with this, but in general self-improvement is really about the mental/emotional side of things, as well as working on toxic behaviors and such.

Honestly, getting people (including ex's, if there's still a friendly connection there) who can be completely honest with you about your flaws is a key part of identifying what you might be doing wrong.

Because while yes, some gals might avoid guys they consider "boring", more often than not, they avoid guys they consider "dangerous", or "toxic".

MercuryJungten Please, I just need help finally finding someone to tie the knot with.

First and foremost OP, you've definitely got to try to have zero expectations. Having expectations, and this sort of "high need for a relationship", might scare off potential partners. It's not that you need to start with "friendships", you've just gotta create a chill, welcoming environment for potential dates. And keep in mind here, as much as you want a partner, you really DON'T want a partner who you don't connect with well. Rushing into a relationship is a huge mistake to make.

Better to treat every date, every possible romantic interaction, with zero expectations. Just learn about the other person, see where it goes, what kind of chemistry you both have, etc..

I'm sorry if some of this is vague or poorly worded. I highly agree with Notkastar though that you should talk frankly with a therapist to help you get a clearer perspective on what you need to work on, and also to just help you get in a healthier mental space too.

The happier you are, the healthier you are, the more friendly you are in general, the more kind you are, then the more appealing you'll be to a potential partner.

I met my girlfriend of 11 years on SecondLife. Might still be worth a try- last I checked, there were still lots of lonely furs on there. The online to IRL pipeline isn't as daunting as a lot of people used to think. Other than that, I agree with most everyone else, make friends and try not to expect it to go anywhere. If you ask a friend out and they say no, don't ice them. It's okay to take a day or two to yourself, but don't cut them out. Who knows, that friend who turned you down might set you up with someone.

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