I've scoped out the forums a bit and it seemed like personal topics aren't forbidden, but regardless I just want to apologize if this isn't something wanted here. I just have something I need to get off my chest now and then and strange as it may seem a site like this is where I am most comfortable doing it.

Anyways, as you can probably tell by my avatar I'm into straight shota, but I feel immensely guilty about it, but I can't keep myself from viewing such things. I even feel I have to look at something with straight shota or something that can be construed as such or I'll get hurt somehow. This is probably due to events in my life I'm still reluctant to get into but the point is I'm in a constant state of conflict with myself. I know I'm not really hurting anyone since I'd never support a woman doing such things in real life so I tell myself I shouldn't beat myself up over it but... its gotten to the point where the only way I can really understand intimacy is by thoughts of a large woman abusing me. Hell ever since I became a teen its been that way. I just can't help but feel its unhealthy... but again I just can't keep myself from it.

I'm not exactly looking for answers here because I probably already know it: Just discipline myself and quit thinking of myself in such a manner.(Which probably wont happen since I found this site now but alas) I just have to vent sometimes with how much I bottle everything up. Again I apologize if this irks anyone, I mean no offense.

If anyone else happens to have similar feelings feel free to share as well. Thank you for understanding and God bless.

Yeah I don't think this is the right place to post something like this. :|

Yech..

A. Don't feel bad about it, sounds like you still are capable of separating fantasy and reality. That's the line you want to avoid crossing.
B. From the sound of some of what you're saying, I'd recommend getting a therapist to talk to about it. Not one of the idiot ones that will want to medicate you. Just having someone that you can talk with openly about any issues you have, or problem in your past, helps more than you can imagine.

Hammie said:
A. Don't feel bad about it, sounds like you still are capable of separating fantasy and reality. That's the line you want to avoid crossing.
B. From the sound of some of what you're saying, I'd recommend getting a therapist to talk to about it. Not one of the idiot ones that will want to medicate you. Just having someone that you can talk with openly about any issues you have, or problem in your past, helps more than you can imagine.

Yeah if I could easily find access to one I would. I still live with my parents who are extremely nosy and controlling (you know, economy and such) which may contribute to the whole thing since they make me feel like a child. They'd probably just get in the way so I try and fix everything myself.

Guess at this point I just need to keep my fingers crossed and hope another round of college will land me a good enough job to move out.

someplace said:
Yeah if I could easily find access to one I would. I still live with my parents who are extremely nosy and controlling (you know, economy and such) which may contribute to the whole thing since they make me feel like a child. They'd probably just get in the way so I try and fix everything myself.

Guess at this point I just need to keep my fingers crossed and hope another round of college will land me a good enough job to move out.

If it helps, Psychologists are bound by confidentiality, so you can talk to them about anything you want, as long as they don't perceive it to be a threat against them, yourself, or anyone else. So hopefully that might assuage any fears you have about your "nosy" parents trying to ask the Doc what you talked about.

As you said, you already know the answer: You shouldn't beat yourself up about it. There can be dozens of reasons that people find something sexually arousing, and many times the very fact that it's "wrong" is a prime factor. As Hammie said: keep the line between fantasy and reality.

The good news is: there are safe, healthy outlets for such things. I know you said you live with your parents, and so your options are limited, but keep the faith. There are people out there who can help you live out your fantasies in a comfortable, safe environment. At the very least, there are people (myself included) who are happy to listen and share the fact that you aren't by yourself. You're not alone. It's 100% a-ok to want to experience such intimacy, even if you think that the reasons for it are unhealthy. It's totally ok. The first step to being able to move past that is to come to understand that it doesn't make you a bad person.

You could be worse. You could be me and have no remorse or guilty feelings about the perverted shit I'm into.

I can relate.

For a long time I was deeply ashamed of and more so conflicted by a fetish that I had acted on. Perhaps, for a time, it was understandable and maybe excusable, but my behaviors did not really evolve as time progressed.

I was very fortunate to have a friend with whom I could confide without immediately disavowing me or otherwise retaining lingering negative judgements toward me. Our discussions required significant faith on my part and were overall very difficult for me to confront. However, the mere act of discussing my issue, and affirming for the first time with another person the limits to my behaviors, helped me lessen my burdensome shame and almost completely dispel my conflicts.

Dwelling on these kinds of intrapersonal conflicts just creates unproductive and, at times, debilitating dissonance, which we naturally want to resolve. Furthermore, I do not believe urges ingrained from adolescence are at all easy to reverse, especially when they are tied to something as fundamental as sex yet define something as complex as sexual attraction.

I realized that this is just who I am; I shouldn't try to conform to society's norms in the privacy of my personal spaces as long as I honor my espoused limits. I chose to accept and, in some ways, embrace my desired behaviors rather than attempt reprogramming myself, though I believe it is possible, and further repression. I will go as far as to admit that it's fun to relish in "bad behaviors" in safe environments. I've pondered whether or not this willful contradiction is the core of so-called perversity or fetishes.

Lastly, I've considered a moral dilemma while typing this. Which is healthier? Struggling to overcome deep-seated urges, with or most likely without a qualified therapist, or embracing them in controlled environments and running the risk of someday "going too far," either by the government's interpretation or your own? I don't mean to advocate my personal decision as a one-size-fits-all answer for all such dilemmas, but it was much easier, practical, and, so far, painless.

Thank you for sharing. I know from personal experience that it is not easy to talk to people about things like this, even strangers on the internet.

It took me more than two years to admit to my most trusted friend that I am a furry. He told me that he used to get off to bestiality porn, but he made himself quit because it made him feel guilty. I know it's not the same thing, but it did make me realize that you don't have to look so hard to find someone who has some idea what you're going through

Keep that in mind and talk to someone you trust; a therapist really is a good idea, especially if this is triggered by past events. You need to decide what would be best: continuing to indulge your fetish, and perhaps to act it out in a safe, practical, and legal way, or to quit before you do something you may regret later on.

Remember: you are you. Don't beat yourself up and don't try to be something or someone you're not.