I dream of what he is capable of doing to me. The first nights we spent together were the first bouts of affection I have ever felt. He handled me with a sense of gentle force that made me more than willing to yield. He was an opponent I could never hope to defeat in a match of hearts and seduction. No amount of training could have prepared me for this. Everything when it comes to thinking about him poisons the very discipline I have spent my entire life working up to, and yet I drink this poison like water. I want it to spoil me, and I want it to leave me breathless and dizzy. I want it to pin me by my wrists, and desecrate my honed, trained body. I could never say these things out loud, just the very thought of admitting to him what I want him to do to me makes my blood run hot, and my heart beat erratically. I almost despise myself for this inability to resist the thought of his body upon mine. I am fearful for the possible pain that thinking of him will bring me. His body, his kiss, his touch, it is like a tankard of mead. It warms my insides so lovingly, yet can bring me sickness that will only leave the next morning with pain and misery. Only more indulgence will make the pain subside for a bit longer, and an endless cycle awaits me.... No amount of training could have prepared me for this. -Xin