I've still not managed to ask for more help during this time due to my terrible crippling social anxiety and now that i've finally built up enough courage to ask for the help I need i'm unsure of the best way to go about it. I should say that i'm pretty much broke and have 20+ years worth of problems to get off my plate so i'm not sure what the best way to ask for help would be so i'm asking anybody that can to think of the best possible way I can ask for help.
I'm tired of my shitty life and this depression causing me to say stupid things, I even got my second neutral strike because of this, I want to change but I'll need a miracle for that to happen hence why i'm considering suicide, i'll not kill myself until i've made sure there are no options but i'm not very hopeful at all considering how bad my life has been for over 20 years.
Obviously i'm not very good at talking to people through any means other than text so it will be an even greater challenge to find the help I need but god dammit i'll do anything I can to finally fix my broken life at this point.
It should be noted that I don't have any devices other than my PS4 for my internet so i'm limited in my online options.
I apologize if this was hard to read, my mind is having issues coping with all that's happening and so my thoughts are scattered and I even manage to leave out important info sometimes, really sorry for that.

Thank you for reading and have a nice day/week.

melvin_ishtar said:
I've still not managed to ask for more help during this time due to my terrible crippling social anxiety and now that i've finally built up enough courage to ask for the help I need i'm unsure of the best way to go about it. I should say that i'm pretty much broke and have 20+ years worth of problems to get off my plate so i'm not sure what the best way to ask for help would be so i'm asking anybody that can to think of the best possible way I can ask for help.
I'm tired of my shitty life and this depression causing me to say stupid things, I even got my second neutral strike because of this, I want to change but I'll need a miracle for that to happen hence why i'm considering suicide, i'll not kill myself until i've made sure there are no options but i'm not very hopeful at all considering how bad my life has been for over 20 years.
Obviously i'm not very good at talking to people through any means other than text so it will be an even greater challenge to find the help I need but god dammit i'll do anything I can to finally fix my broken life at this point.
It should be noted that I don't have any devices other than my PS4 for my internet so i'm limited in my online options.
I apologize if this was hard to read, my mind is having issues coping with all that's happening and so my thoughts are scattered and I even manage to leave out important info sometimes, really sorry for that.

Thank you for reading and have a nice day/week.

Well, the only identifiable issue you've brought up is social anxiety, so I'll tell you how I delt with mine, whether you take this advice is up to you.

When I was around 11 or so, I was diagnosed with aspergers. I couldn't stand loud noises or other kids, and didn't like to socialize, etc. Had issues all through middle school and freshman year of high school. I decided I was sick and tired of being nervous all the time, so I got a job at an arcade/amusement park. I intentionally chose that particular job because it had a shit load of flashing lights, screaming kids, and I would be forced to interact with customers. I wanted to desensitize myself from awkward social situations, chaos, and flashing lights.

It worked, I pretty much desensitized myself to everything in about a month. I realized that even if I make a conversation awkward, I'm literally never going to see these people again, and if I do, their opinion of me doesn't matter. I can have someone scream in my face without having a breakdown, or yelling back. Over the years, I also got extremely good at reading social cues, and I can usually pick up someone being suspicious even when other people don't notice (a gut feeling, if you will). Even though I still dislike loud sounds and flashing lights; they're a minor annoyance now rather than a trigger.

Basically, nothing is going to change until you decide to do something to actually fix the root of your problems. No matter how hard other people try, they cannot help you until you decide to help yourself. There are two solutions to most problems: The first is to get away from the problem, and the other is to tackle it head on. I chose the second option because getting away from people wouldn't actually make my symptoms go away, it would just bury them until people were around.

Good luck.

kyiiel said:
Well, the only identifiable issue you've brought up is social anxiety, so I'll tell you how I delt with mine, whether you take this advice is up to you.

When I was around 11 or so, I was diagnosed with aspergers. I couldn't stand loud noises or other kids, and didn't like to socialize, etc. Had issues all through middle school and freshman year of high school. I decided I was sick and tired of being nervous all the time, so I got a job at an arcade/amusement park. I intentionally chose that particular job because it had a shit load of flashing lights, screaming kids, and I would be forced to interact with customers. I wanted to desensitize myself from awkward social situations, chaos, and flashing lights.

It worked, I pretty much desensitized myself to everything in about a month. I realized that even if I make a conversation awkward, I'm literally never going to see these people again, and if I do, their opinion of me doesn't matter. I can have someone scream in my face without having a breakdown, or yelling back. Over the years, I also got extremely good at reading social cues, and I can usually pick up someone being suspicious even when other people don't notice (a gut feeling, if you will). Even though I still dislike loud sounds and flashing lights; they're a minor annoyance now rather than a trigger.

Basically, nothing is going to change until you decide to do something to actually fix the root of your problems. No matter how hard other people try, they cannot help you until you decide to help yourself. There are two solutions to most problems: The first is to get away from the problem, and the other is to tackle it head on. I chose the second option because getting away from people wouldn't actually make my symptoms go away, it would just bury them until people were around.

Good luck.

Turns out I left out a few things like I thought, my mind isn't working well lately and I already have a hard time expressing my thoughts and feelings as it is, so if this topic isn't locked again like last time then i'll add more context to this. I'm really sorry about that.
I'm going to sleep soon so I hope I recover enough to express more info properly and not sound like an idiot, provided the admins don't lock the post.

Not sure if you had missed it, but you should really consider some of the advice given by people on your last thread, see topic #36727.

thegreatwolfgang said:
Not sure if you had missed it, but you should really consider some of the advice given by people on your last thread, see topic #36727.

I already tried to use some of these resources but they weren't compatible with my ps4, so i'm making this follow up post to try to find the best option left for my specific circumstances.
I'm going to take a few hours to collect my thoughts as best as I can before I explain more about my life and why i'm in such a dire situation in the first place, and hopefully this information can lead me to the best possible solution.

If there is a library near you, go there and use the public computers which hopefully arent heavily restricted.

wolfmanfur said:
If there is a library near you, go there and use the public computers which hopefully arent heavily restricted.

There are several reasons why I haven't left my house in years that i'll go into more detail about later, I ended up crashing due to lack of sleep and need more time to collect myself before posting my response.
I'm going to sleep now and hopefully i'll be able to get enough rest for my long winded explanation.

Sorry it has taken soo long, it's hard for me to express myself but this site is like a safe haven for me and so i'll share my story with you.
I was born in 1994(i'm turning 29 soon) with several mental disorders(that I can't remember anymore) that I was medicated for untill I stopped(for reasons I can't remember) though I should probably be rediagnosed and remedicated at some point. My father left when I was very young and I was left with my mother and grandmother, my mother works at a minimum wage job and my grandmother is retired so we live in poverty basically and can't afford much at all. We never had internet in our house untill I was 18 so i've never owned a computer and due to my social anxiety my mother decided that a phone would be wasted on me so I don't have a cell phone either.
My mother sucks at parenting: she allowed my older half sister to wander unsupervised and she became a lying junkie that's addicted to heroin, my nephew was also allowed to wander unsupervised(at age 10 or 11) and he also has fallen in with the wrong crowd and become addicted to pot and allowed to drink alcohol(at age 15), finally there is me who was given no therapy or advice or guidance for my social anxiety and mental disorders as well as no life advice at all so I know nothing about banking or taxes(etc) and am therefore forced to rely upon my mother for everything.
My living conditions are atrocious: I sleep on a bed that's collapsed on one side, I have no light in my room(the circuit broke ages ago and my mother won't let anybody fix it), I have no air conditioning so i'm forced to suffer during the summer, my door is broken and is almost impossible to open if it shuts completely so I have to tape it so I can close the door for privacy but It can't lock into place so it's constantly swinging open, my nephew is allowed to do whatever he wants and so he keeps me awake at night and wakes me during the day so I get almost no sleep and on top of that he and his friends are allowed to come and go as they please so I get no privacy and literally haven't been able to shower for years and even if I could shower i'm not certain I have any clothes that fit me anymore so i'm trapped here.
The worst part is everbody treats me like i'm the bad guy, like everthing is my fault, I may be partially responsible for how my life has wound up but what was I to do with my social anxiety and mental disorders combined with my lack of parental guidance.
I thought everything would be ok, that I had the will to go on despite all this bullshit but, due to many recent events my coping mechanisms were replaced with depression and self loathing and I can't stand living like this anymore.
I olny want to live like a normal person but I don't know if it's possible anymore, is it too late or can I manage to manifest some kind of miracle to save myself.

Well I think that should give a good enough picture about how fucked my life and situation are soo i'll ask you all again, what's the best way out of this and what options do I have?

melvin_ishtar said:
Sorry it has taken soo long, it's hard for me to express myself but this site is like a safe haven for me and so i'll share my story with you.
I was born in 1994(i'm turning 29 soon) with several mental disorders(that I can't remember anymore) that I was medicated for untill I stopped(for reasons I can't remember) though I should probably be rediagnosed and remedicated at some point. My father left when I was very young and I was left with my mother and grandmother, my mother works at a minimum wage job and my grandmother is retired so we live in poverty basically and can't afford much at all. We never had internet in our house untill I was 18 so i've never owned a computer and due to my social anxiety my mother decided that a phone would be wasted on me so I don't have a cell phone either.
My mother sucks at parenting: she allowed my older half sister to wander unsupervised and she became a lying junkie that's addicted to heroin, my nephew was also allowed to wander unsupervised(at age 10 or 11) and he also has fallen in with the wrong crowd and become addicted to pot and allowed to drink alcohol(at age 15), finally there is me who was given no therapy or advice or guidance for my social anxiety and mental disorders as well as no life advice at all so I know nothing about banking or taxes(etc) and am therefore forced to rely upon my mother for everything.
My living conditions are atrocious: I sleep on a bed that's collapsed on one side, I have no light in my room(the circuit broke ages ago and my mother won't let anybody fix it), I have no air conditioning so i'm forced to suffer during the summer, my door is broken and is almost impossible to open if it shuts completely so I have to tape it so I can close the door for privacy but It can't lock into place so it's constantly swinging open, my nephew is allowed to do whatever he wants and so he keeps me awake at night and wakes me during the day so I get almost no sleep and on top of that he and his friends are allowed to come and go as they please so I get no privacy and literally haven't been able to shower for years and even if I could shower i'm not certain I have any clothes that fit me anymore so i'm trapped here.
The worst part is everbody treats me like i'm the bad guy, like everthing is my fault, I may be partially responsible for how my life has wound up but what was I to do with my social anxiety and mental disorders combined with my lack of parental guidance.
I thought everything would be ok, that I had the will to go on despite all this bullshit but, due to many recent events my coping mechanisms were replaced with depression and self loathing and I can't stand living like this anymore.
I olny want to live like a normal person but I don't know if it's possible anymore, is it too late or can I manage to manifest some kind of miracle to save myself.

Well I think that should give a good enough picture about how fucked my life and situation are soo i'll ask you all again, what's the best way out of this and what options do I have?

Oh and a few more things: i'm a Canadian from Ontario, I get no respect from anyone and nobody will listen to me or care what I have to say, and I don't really feel emotions properly but I still understand them.
All I have ever wanted is to spread joy and happiness to others but I get the worst life I can imagine, what a cruel joke my life is.

How often do you take a walk outside?
I dunno about Canada, but are there any forest areas to contemplate and walk there?
It would help with intrusive thoughts.

Are there any activities of interest where you can share with people?

I don't know if it's visible anymore but I posted advice on this in an older topic. It might have gotten me a strike and might again since I'm linking to it, but whatever, I can't let people go by without a potentially life-saving information.

In case that post isn't visible, the short of it is, ketamine is known to have an extremely quick antidepressant effect to the point that it might become history's first antisuicide medication, as in it can dispell suicidal ideation in a matter of hours. Potentially, this might work with so-called microdoses, which induce no psychotropic effects. I'm not telling you to do illegal drugs because it's available for therapy legally nowadays, you can Google for ketamine therapists, and microdose therapy is, for reasons obvious, more legally viable. Other legal substances, which however might or might not share ketamine's quick antidepressan effect, are other dissociatives, such as nitrous oxide a.k.a. laughing gas.

Although they don't have such an incredibly quick effect, classical psychedelics are known to have antidepressant effect as well, and they too seem to work at microdoses which don't induce psychotropic effects. Their legal therapeutic use isn't as developed as ketamine's yet, but at least in Canada, there is a legal dispensary of microdoses of psychedelic shrooms.

Legal tho they might be, they're not risk-free, of course. But I think it's important to keep this in mind in case of an emergency.

1. "literally haven't been able to shower for years and even if I could shower i'm not certain I have any clothes that fit me anymore so i'm trapped here." That sounds like you're trapped in the house naked. If that's the case then call the police. If you can't access a phone then walk outside holding something on you and someone will probably call them for you. You won't even need to talk. Just nod your head when they ask if you need help. If you're concerned what'll happen to your family, don't be. The police will show up anyway after you die so you might was well let them help you.

2. Someone recently asked about solutions for depression. Read that topic here: https://e621.net/forum_topics/36758 I recommend taking magnesium and explain why in that topic. I strongly recommend you try it. If you're unable to buy anything then teach yourself hypnosis and use that to give you the nudges needed to make progress. Learning it isn't hard. Basically tense then relax all your muscles, then imagine a person acting how you want to act, then imagine you morphing into that person. Repeat daily. See yourself in your mind acting how you want yourself to act. Imagine it in as much detail as possible, including sounds and smells. Your brain doesn't know reality from imagination so when you imagine yourself acting how you want to act you're actually practicing acting that way. Another technique is to imagine a 'bad' thing you don't want anymore or something that has too strong of emotions. Imagine it then turn it grayscale. Push the image of it away from you so it's really tiny and hard to see off in the distance. That helps break emotional attachments.

3. You don't have 20 years of problems you have to work through before you can get better. You can 'simply' start over right now. You have the internet. Drop your learned helplessness and look up the things you need to learn to move out and live on your own.

4. "I sleep on a bed that's collapsed on one side". Collapse the other side so it's even. Or rejoice since some people think sleeping with the top of your body a little elevated is healthier that sleeping flat and your bed is already an elevated bed.

5. In terms of therapy, don't identify yourself with your problems. If you're lazy for a day or for the past years, that doesn't make you a lazy person. It just means you were lazy that time. It has no impact on what you might do in the future or who you are. You also don't need to find the root of a problem to fix it. It doesn't matter why you have social anxiety, the patch to fixing it is to resolve the anxiety, not to analyze your life trying to find a single event that gave it to you (though if you do know of an event like that then use the grayscale hypnosis technique on it).

Good luck. No one might care about you now, but that doesn't mean you won't find people who'll care about you in the future. You like video games? You're playing your life on hard mode. That means when you win your sense of accomplishment will be that much greater.

mrox said:
1. "literally haven't been able to shower for years and even if I could shower i'm not certain I have any clothes that fit me anymore so i'm trapped here." That sounds like you're trapped in the house naked. If that's the case then call the police. If you can't access a phone then walk outside holding something on you and someone will probably call them for you. You won't even need to talk. Just nod your head when they ask if you need help. If you're concerned what'll happen to your family, don't be. The police will show up anyway after you die so you might was well let them help you.

2. Someone recently asked about solutions for depression. Read that topic here: https://e621.net/forum_topics/36758 I recommend taking magnesium and explain why in that topic. I strongly recommend you try it. If you're unable to buy anything then teach yourself hypnosis and use that to give you the nudges needed to make progress. Learning it isn't hard. Basically tense then relax all your muscles, then imagine a person acting how you want to act, then imagine you morphing into that person. Repeat daily. See yourself in your mind acting how you want yourself to act. Imagine it in as much detail as possible, including sounds and smells. Your brain doesn't know reality from imagination so when you imagine yourself acting how you want to act you're actually practicing acting that way. Another technique is to imagine a 'bad' thing you don't want anymore or something that has too strong of emotions. Imagine it then turn it grayscale. Push the image of it away from you so it's really tiny and hard to see off in the distance. That helps break emotional attachments.

3. You don't have 20 years of problems you have to work through before you can get better. You can 'simply' start over right now. You have the internet. Drop your learned helplessness and look up the things you need to learn to move out and live on your own.

4. "I sleep on a bed that's collapsed on one side". Collapse the other side so it's even. Or rejoice since some people think sleeping with the top of your body a little elevated is healthier that sleeping flat and your bed is already an elevated bed.

5. In terms of therapy, don't identify yourself with your problems. If you're lazy for a day or for the past years, that doesn't make you a lazy person. It just means you were lazy that time. It has no impact on what you might do in the future or who you are. You also don't need to find the root of a problem to fix it. It doesn't matter why you have social anxiety, the patch to fixing it is to resolve the anxiety, not to analyze your life trying to find a single event that gave it to you (though if you do know of an event like that then use the grayscale hypnosis technique on it).

Good luck. No one might care about you now, but that doesn't mean you won't find people who'll care about you in the future. You like video games? You're playing your life on hard mode. That means when you win your sense of accomplishment will be that much greater.

Just a few things: I do have clothes but it's mostly pajamas and any regular clothing I might own is buried somewhere in a pile of clothes in the corner of my room so i'd have to go digging to find them but since i'm only really active at night without a significant light source I wouldn't be able to identify any of it, i've tried hypnosis before and i'm pretty sure i'm immune to being hypnotised as i've never been able to lose consciousness during the process at all so it's just white noise, I know that I can "start over" that's why I made this cry for help in the first place but I live of wellfare money(1000$CA) and can barely afford rent as is, my bed isn't much of an issue it's more the fact that i'm not really able to sleep at all due to my nephew keeping me awake all night and then everybody else waking me up during the day, and as for my social anxiety i'm pretty sure I need therapy for it because I cant interact with people without having several panic attacks.

There are three main Issues I need help to resolve: my social anxiety and mental disorders that prevent me from interacting with people without constant panic attacks or behaving like I want, my lack of life skills that prevents me from leaving this toxic household and living on my own, and my lack of money to fund my future plans like being a content creator(Gaming, art, music, asmr, etc) which I need alot of money for.

I find it funny that you suggested I call the police given that i've clearly suffered from neglect and abuse my whole life but, my "family" have a knack for making themselves look like saints for others and make me look like the bad guy who is responsible for everything, it sucks to have such a "family", I would have called the police years ago if I wasn't soo convinced that my life was fine and that things couldn't get worse but i'm pretty sure it's too late to call them now.

I may have missed or forgot something I was meaning to respond with so i'll be happy to add more if someone needs it, though i'll probably need a few days to recharge after writing soo much.

eeveesbeingassholes said:
How often do you take a walk outside?
I dunno about Canada, but are there any forest areas to contemplate and walk there?
It would help with intrusive thoughts.

Are there any activities of interest where you can share with people?

I've been a shut-in most of my life, the only times i've ever left my house were for school and other mandatory events.
I'm a severe arachnophobic so i'd never go near any forest areas where spiders could be lurking.
I'm not sure what you mean by "activities of interest" but i'm not one to seek out conversation with others due to my social anxiety.

I never expected you to respond to my plight Sify, your story about your "experiences" really helped me change and be a better person so i'd like to thank you for inspireing me to always think of others first and really consider what they are thinking or feeling at all times, so thank you for leavin your comment as it's helped give me more strength to try to live just a little bit longer, thank you for everything you do, you are an amazing artist and person.

onemoreanonymous said:
I don't know if it's visible anymore but I posted advice on this in an older topic. It might have gotten me a strike and might again since I'm linking to it, but whatever, I can't let people go by without a potentially life-saving information.

In case that post isn't visible, the short of it is, ketamine is known to have an extremely quick antidepressant effect to the point that it might become history's first antisuicide medication, as in it can dispell suicidal ideation in a matter of hours. Potentially, this might work with so-called microdoses, which induce no psychotropic effects. I'm not telling you to do illegal drugs because it's available for therapy legally nowadays, you can Google for ketamine therapists, and microdose therapy is, for reasons obvious, more legally viable. Other legal substances, which however might or might not share ketamine's quick antidepressan effect, are other dissociatives, such as nitrous oxide a.k.a. laughing gas.

Although they don't have such an incredibly quick effect, classical psychedelics are known to have antidepressant effect as well, and they too seem to work at microdoses which don't induce psychotropic effects. Their legal therapeutic use isn't as developed as ketamine's yet, but at least in Canada, there is a legal dispensary of microdoses of psychedelic shrooms.

Legal tho they might be, they're not risk-free, of course. But I think it's important to keep this in mind in case of an emergency.

I'm sorry but i'm not looking for a Band-Aid, i'm looking for a permanent solution. I appreciate your imput but i'm trying to change my life not just tolerate it, antidepressants only dull the pain and I want to end it, i'm tired of living a life like this.

Okay, listen. This is really not an appropriate place for this.
If you need help, talk to a professional. Don't just vent on a furry forum.