So. You’ve just gotten Bowser down. All that’s left is to toss him into one of his poorly-arranged mines, then you can grab your star and finish saving Princess What’s-Her-Name. Sooooo, do it. Off you go, then! C’mon, get in there and get some tail!

Huh. I guess it’s not as easy when you don’t have the IQ of fungus, the vocabulary of a toddler, and wear overalls to a royal ball. Any NORMAL person is going to walk up to Bowser’s rear end and LOCK UP. Giant, scaly, sweaty dragon-turtle ass presented at you like it KNOWS even if he just LET you put your hands on it you’d be too chickenshit to do it anyway? Also, isn’t this like, a KING of monsters? Not even in a Godzilla kind of way, like, actual royalty? Neither of those are things you were taught you could fuck around with! Not to mention anyone who’s been in a frat would believe he’s waiting for you to get close so can blast a ripe fart in your face (and one from his ass would put you on yours!).

Besides, what are you gonna do to get the upper hand? Grab his nuts?! First of all, look at ‘em: each gonad of his is bigger than your head! If Bower bucked his hips back right then and there, it’d be like getting uppercut with medicine balls. Say goodbye to your teeth and whatever bit of your tongue was caught between them. They’d be super greasy anyway, all slippery with a layer of sweat that just never seems to evaporate; your fingers would barely be able to find purchase. And let’s say you did! You know the old saying “got a tiger by the tail”? However angry you make him is just gonna come crashing down on you the second you let go!

On top of all that… it’s just fuckin’ NASTY! When they were handing out donuts, Bowser got his with extra EXTRA glaze. What do you say about a monster whose asshole makes its own lube and has a stench collection that can only be described as “Bowsery?” You’ve seen how he’s one of those cartoonish villains whom the hero calls an evil, filthy, vile fiend and he responds with “Oh, you’re too kind!” Well, 9 out of 10 doctors say there’s easier ways to get shigellosis, and the tenth says none of them are nearly as much fun-- probably while chained up somewhere wearing a bikini that got a cease and desist letter from Disney.

Well, the good news is that if you SOMEHOW ended up with some part of you in Bowser’s under-the-tail slop sink, you’re small and it’s slimy enough that you can pull it out with relative ease. Plenty of wrinkles to give you leeway too. But, because we live in a world where car manuals need to tell us not to drink battery fluid, all bets are off if that part of you is your head, because your head is big, your neck is small, and that’s still a ring of pure, powerful monster muscle. Just gonna nip that curiosity in the bud: Bowser does indeed have a Dark World, and it sure ain’t level 8. YES, your whole head will fit in Bowser’s anus, and NO, you only become microscopic and go on an adventure roaming around in Bowser’s guts when it’s done through the use of a Vacuum Shroom. Also, YES, it smells WAY worse in there than you think, YES, you’ll run out of oxygen and pass out after 63.2 seconds and risk potential brain damage by making yourself harder to pull out by going in arms first, and NO, I’m not gonna tell you how I thow knat.

My point is, if you ever find yourself in this position, don’t be Mario. Even if you DO take the path of the hero, you’re still gonna be a manlet who’s somehow both pussy-whipped AND a virgin at the same time. There’s nothing in it for you. Bowser is the King of the Koopas. You shoulda bent the knee when he stood before you, and now you're gonna bend over while he’s behind you. Better start making it up to him while you can.