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BracksDeSolarmo
MemberＰｅｒｆｅｃｔ!
Gimsbery
Memberokay the voice acting is pretty good. the dialogue though... it's just... yikes...
user 416797
MemberThis is interesting
user 290444
MemberYour picture explains how I feel every time when that happens with a youtube animation or something. Beautiful art, but sound is important too. That also means voices acting.
Diives
MemberIdk what's wrong with dialogues.. Can I get some tips to improve em? I'm always open learn more about ppl likes!
ilovefutaponies
Memberthe va is top shelf i love it
Gimsbery
Memberwell i am far from an expert on erotic dialogue. though one thing that nags me when it comes to things like that, are clichés.
The main issue (in my opinion) being the "no that's my most sensitive part" when she began rubbing the tail. i think i've seen that particular cliché used in at least 2 hentai animations and in another 2 or 3 comics. i also think a very similar line was in Everyday Life With Monster Girls. though that was only ecchi.
Maybe you should consult someone with more experience in writing erotic dialogue. i'm sure you have the resources to find one, considering how popular you are. perhaps send out a public request to your fan community for help on the matter. i'm sure that many of them would be downright delighted to help you perfect your art.
anyway, i do love your work, and the fact that you so readily ask for constructive critisism only reinforces my respect for you. thanks for everything you've done so far and have a happy new year!
Diives
MemberThanks for your feedback!
Thats a cliche, indeed!! hahaha sadly is the only way I have to explain a character property without a past plot, or else I'd totally ignore it and let ppl conclude why she's so excited.. but I get what you mean.
I'll try to put more attention to dialogues and improve my videos, thanks a lot!
Clawdragons
MemberIf you like, I can take a stab at giving you some advice. I've written a fair amount of erotica, if that counts for anything.
Reciter5613
MemberShe should have admitted her tail was sensitive. You should never admit your weakness to your opponent.
bleph
MemberI'm gonna be the odd one out and say I think the dialogue is absolutely fine.
insertgenericname
Member"You came with just a kiss?"
I mean, she did also rub her tail, which she finds very sensitive.
FerkiTheWolf
MemberCan't get anymore perfect then this, considering dòu is my fav character!!
Screener2
Membertbh I feel it is bad, but in that B-movie way where it kinda adds charm.
Shinyorigami
MemberI'm far from being an expert, but i think that the key is in the context. More often than not the characters reaction can comunicate a lot of things. Things like body language can say a lot, leaving no need to add a possibly awkward line of dialogue
Srsly
MemberSo I agree about the cliche thing, although I think the voice actress was excellent especially in that particular line of dialogue. However, before I even read the comments section, I noticed specifically that it really didn't need to be said. The way she reacted at first already said her tail was sensitive before the words ever left her mouth, as the post above this one points out. I myself am a writer, and one of the hardest things to do when writing dialogue in a smut scene is to make it feel organic. One thing you could try is "cutting off" dialogue, as in, she goes to say a line like "that's sensitive" but the feeling cuts her off and it comes out more like "no, that's sensi-NNNNGH" or whatever. Just an example lol. From my experience in the IRLs with sex, most sex doesn't include any form of dialogue, and if it does, this is usually what happens is it gets drowned somewhere between a thought and a feeling.
Diives
MemberI'd love to get help from writers! feel free to DM so I can show you some projects that I'm working! c:
Clawdragons
MemberAfter sending this in PM, we both thought it might be useful posting it here in case anyone else might find it useful for their own dialogue writing. So here you all go!
---
General advice
One of the most important things is for you to have a full understanding of the scene you're writing. Who are the characters, what are their relations to each other, what are their thoughts and opinions on various things, what is their overall history? Once you've thought of these things you can think how they might respond to a particular situation as an individual.
One thing that's important but counterintuitive is that personality is not actually the most interesting thing about a character (though it is important). Your audience has seen nice characters, dominant characters, mischievous characters, etc., plenty of times. What makes a character seem much more interesting and like an individual is their opinions.
If you have a deep understanding of the situation and the characters, you don't need to use all that information directly (and shouldn't, because then it becomes an exposition-dump) but you can use bits and pieces to form something unique. All of these things, opinions, personality, history, personality, they all change how a character will act.
Applying questions to Dou X Lilith
If we go back to the animation of Dou and Lilith, we can see how this general thought process can be applied. Let's ask a few questions about the characters and see how that might result in different dialogue.
So they are clearly in some sort of sex-fight, first to orgasm loses. But let's look at that a bit deeper. Why are they there? Are they performers? Is there a prize? Are they in it for the sake of competition? For the fun of it? What other consequences are there for winning or losing? If each of the characters has a different reason for being there, that can be even more interesting.
Do these characters have a history with each other? If so, what is it, and how far back does it go? Even if they just know of each other but have never met, that can change how they interact. Or if they do know each other, are they on good terms? Friends? Rivals? Co-performers without much investment? They might see each other similarly or differently.
What are some things they disagree about? Do they have different opinions about what's acceptable in the ring? Do they have different strategies for winning? Do they have any other disagreements that might crop up?
This isn't an exhaustive list of questions, but they are the sorts of things you can ask yourself whenever you're writing dialogue. It's more a method of thinking about things than a list of must-asks.
Specific dialogue possibilities
So! Now we've asked a bunch of questions, and hopefully gotten some useful answers, let's see how they might translate into different dialogue.
---
Maybe Dou's strategy is just to be physically aggressive, but Lilith has a strategy of appearing to be losing but making cute noises and such that make her opponent aroused without realizing the danger. Dou would be the main "talker" in that case, and you might some stuff in there like:
Dou: "You sure sound cute when you're losing"
Dou (after a particularly distinct moan / squeal): "Getting close?" *pant* "Make sure to cheer for me while you're on the sidelines!"
Dou: "Oh hell, why do ya have to sound so n-nice?"
(Dou, surprisingly, ends up climaxing slightly before Lilith, and Lilith is called the winner)
---
Maybe Dou is in it for the competition and the thrill of winning, but Lilith is more interested in the actual sex. In this case, Lilith might be trying to throw the game, in a sense, for the sake of a better orgasm.
Tone and voice acting would matter a lot here, but you could have Lilith "let slip" advice to Dou during the match.
Lilith (with Dou's thigh between her legs): "Hah. You always did aim too low." (Dou shifts upward) "Wait, no!"
Lilith (gripping Dou's tail with her own): "Is your tail as sensitive as mine?"
Dou (reversing tail-grips): "No, but thanks for the info!"
Dou (after Lilith loses): "My win. You should learn to keep your mouth shut about your weak-points"
Lilith (grinning): "But then I'd need to finish *myself* off in the locker rooms, and where's the fun in that? I suppose you can let me know~"
---
Maybe there's some prize-money up for grabs, and they both want it.
Dou: "Just give up, I need those winnings"
Lilith: "Never! I'm going to visit my family with it."
Dou: "I'm going to fix up my broken shack of an apartment."
Lilith: "Well I've got a surgery to pay for!"
Dou: "I'm fixing up an orphanage!"
Lilith: "Curing cancer!"
Dou: "World peace!"
(Lilith loses during the argument)
Lilith (some panting later): "Honestly? Pizza and vibrators"
Dou: "Yeah... same. I'll share"
---
There's a ton of possibilities, way beyond just these, depending how you answer the questions, what elements you want to include, and how you're willing to shape a scene besides.
---
Hopefully this was helpful to you all and gave you some various ideas for how to better approach writing dialogue and scenarios and such.
Srsly
MemberAaaa yes, thanks Clawdragons, couldn't have said it better myself. Always, always, ask yourself questions about your characters and answer them! This is how you get more organic reactions when situations arise that you aren't sure about at first. This goes for all writing, not just porn, lol. But I always found that it's especially important to gauge reactions during le sex because it's one of a person's most vulnerable moments. Their individual pleasure points vary from person to person (one of my characters really likes getting the back of her head touched, for example) and some things turn them on more than others (perhaps they fancy anal? Or, in Dou's case, maybe it's being in control that makes her body tingle the right way?)
Anyway Diives if you ever need to pick someone's brain with a lot of dialogue experience feel free to hit me up on Discord at Yonder#9700 if you have a question you're struggling with or something. I did writing for Paraphore and stuff before, if you're familiar with it, so I'm sure I can give some decent advice for some sexy shenanigans. Also, big big fan of your characters and I absolutely loved your Qīngjiǔ animation, especially for its dialogue. A shining example of your work imo.
Elegantfoxwasteland
MemberI want to point out how great it is that diives actually takes feedback from the community to help improve their pieces. They dont just ignore criticism.
Diives, if you read this, you were already my favorite animator, but this solidifies you as one of my all time favorite artists in general.
I'm an artist myself, so this isnt coming just from the view of a fan, but also someone with a healthy respect for the process and hard work it takes to produce pieces.
Thank you so much for being so great! ♡
Diives
MemberThank you!! I got many good advice so I hope my next projects upgrade!! ovo
DJ710217
Memberi love this so much and the voice acting
LordOfTheWings
MemberThe moist-meter on the jumbotron is a nice touch ;) We need more sex battles!
Belma
MemberI think the "that's my most sensitive part." and "Too bad, I'll keep rubbing it, bitch" sounded like a corny old hentai dub. The information of her having a sensitive tail could be explained in a more subtle and elegant way. It almost sounds as if it was a stand alone audio that needs that level of detail, but coupled with animation that already has the visual queues, feels like we're being hit over the head with the premise.
Belma
MemberMany seem to like the classic text pieces you do, and this new direction I applaud very much, nothing quite gets me like audio. Adds a new dimension in the same way that color does imo
Belma
MemberBut if you cared about pleasing both sides you could do a hybrid piece with moaning and sounds and text dialogue ala Nintendo. Just an idea I had. Personally I like this just fine though.
_MRHORNY-~9
MemberWhat kind of Pokemon battle is this?
user 417916
MemberFor me the problem with the lines of the how unnatural they are, I mean, a girl could say "Please, don't..." Instead of "That it's my sensitive part", and instead of "You came just by a kiss? Noob" would be better "Really? For a kiss? Noob".
I'm not an expert but things like that, not having a party plot and just wanting to show that she is sensitive in that part, are easy to do with the animation part, showing her expressions after the other takes her tail, not literally expressing it with words, that it's kind of unnecessary.
Try seeing the erotism like this, don't try to force the excitement with dialogs, do it with the actions, show instead of tell, I know that animation it's really hard and changing some photograms takes time, but that it's my suggestion.
Also, try to make it sound natural, written something, leave it a time, come back and imagine how it will sound in a real scenario.
GenkinDanshou
MemberWOW, how did I miss this earlier!? I don't mind the corniness of the lines at all - for me, any line can be 'sold' through good voice acting, which this totally has! Plus, it could have an in-universe explanation of the corniness just being lines given to them as actors, like the WWE. I love fem-dom and I love demons and this is just absolutely top-tier! I hadn't thought of 'orgasm-KO gladiator/WWE arena' as a setting before... I am now extremely inspired. :)))
A Little Eevee
Memberroblox roleplayers: don't touch mah tail
diives: ah yes, Tail
Angelthesqurriel
MemberHell yea
user 577039
Memberdiives deserves the universe
ziltromon
Memberi ship them
roogalbeans
Memberhi im r an this is th best e621.net on e621.net
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